Double Flee A

As usual, I, Dale, am on the cutting edge, and you're coming with me, kicking and screaming, to the tree of knowledge.

It's not pleasant to dwell on the end of your life, and I'm not suggesting you do, but it is of some importance that we consider the years to come so as not to leave the world a wreckage of twisted, smoking metal. That the end of your life may come before the time in question is incidental, but what I'm asking you to consider is the end of a lot of lives, including (potentially) yours, your offspring's, their offspring's, and so on.

Anyway, the end of the world scenario in question tonight is related to oil production dwindling to nothing in the years to come. It is inevitable that this will come to pass, even though no one knows how much oil there actually is down there in the ground. What is not up for debate is how much our civilization, both national and worldwide depends on relatively cheap energy. There will come a point when we can't wag the family across the fruited plain in the RV every chance we get. But that's nothing. After reading the apocalyptic "the oil we eat" essay in Harper's monthly, I am convinced our civilization is headed the way of the mayans. Goodbye, everything.

It will indeed be a gruesome and horrific end, and every indignity man can conjure will manifest itself in our human brethren before it's over, in the name of survival. The faster it goes, the better for the health of the planet, really, because if and when we start burning the coal that's too far down to mine in order to use energy from the escaping gases, our planet will literally suffocate. Anyway, billions of deaths will be the result of starvation, fighting for food, demonstrating the mildness of Dante's imagination, yada yada yada.

The last gory days will be a scene of people tearing each other apart for sustenance. Th problem is, they'll be sinewy and relatively without nutritive value when that happens. Nothing can change this. However, something can be done to delay this, and in the process, a new wing of culinaria can be born...

That fast food gourmand seated in the cubicle next to yours isn't the lazy, sweaty pile of shit you always took him for, he's a meal, baby. The office chair creaking under his overstuffed integument is singing a song of underappreciated flavor. This is your big shot to suck the marrow of life, literally! That chuff's liver is so sopping with saturated fats it's like foie gras. Seriously, just ask a doctor. He'll tell you the same thing.

That guy isn't going to be any good to you when you're both starving to death, so take advantage while you still can, take advantage of metropolitanus agri-businessus meat-sapien!

He's a product. He sees only products. He could probably tell you the subplots of ten different sitcoms curently on the air, and you're the crazy one? I think not, amigo. To this inexcusable glob of tallow, the destiny of living on through you is, in a way, a greater accomplishment than he would have made anyway. Properly seasoned, the brains in that melon would yield more surprising delectations than the bland thoughts and memories slowly swirling therein would suggest. And (as if you needed it) another benefit of eating that guy, you won't have him to compete with any more. You world just got a lot tastier, my friend.

"No! We could never eat people!" you'll hear them say. However, if this actually happened, if people started eating other people, which they eventually will, and it was discussed, which it will be, whose side would most folks suddenly find themselves on, the Morlocks, or the Eloi? (Because some people don't know, these two types of people are found in the future in Jules Verne's The Time Machine. The Morlocks live under the ground and eat the Eloi, who live above it in a carefree utopia. Carefree other than the Morlocks eating them, of course.) Oh, they'll catch on. It's up to you to make it doable. So don't just sit there. Sharpen your cleaver and get to work on the sexy future!

Or not. But I think it's just a matter of time, and I'd eat somebody.

posted by dale @ 9:23 PM