Double Flee A

Some jackass drugged and raped a friend of mine on September eleventh, eleven days ago. In the time since I've gone from a state of shock to involuntary revenge fantasies. What I wound up with before I gave up on those was: drain his blood and make him drink it till he dies, hopefully vomiting all along the way, or make him pull his own dick off with his hands. That, to me, was the end of the line. Past this only bad can come; fantasizing is one thing, but putting together a shopping list for home depot (plastic sheeting, hacksaw, the biggest gas grill you have, please) is where I draw the line for myself. It's not healthy. But what is?

I read about how revenge has a chemical reward in the brain not six weeks ago someplace on the net, maybe being slighted really prepares you for that itch to be scratched. I wouldn't be surprised if the chemical signatures of the two events (getting fucked over, getting revenge) were mirror images of one another. There has got to be a reason people get mad when they're treated unfairly, etc., an evolutionarily favored reason, otherwise it wouldn't happen. Any ideas? I'm seriously soliciting your opinions, guys.

I wanted to go to a party tonight to get my mind off it, but it wasn't the right thing to do. Well, it was the right thing to do, but for some reason I feel too reverent, like my actions are still under the influence of this tragedy, as if it were the events of September eleventh or something, which, of course, it was. Silver lining? At least it was the same day ruined again, and not another day; now this one doesn't have to compete for most tragic day. Maybe all the bad shit in the world could wait till Sept. 11 to happen from now on. That day we all bite the bullet and hold on tight. By sundown there will have been some senseless violence, random accidents resluting in deaths of some of our favorite people, and everybody vomiting blood. Well, maybe just one guy with the blood vomiting. And then on March 11, things can be sunny and peachy and babies can be born and rainbows and ice cream.

It will be a long time before this is settled, and it might do me good to try to comprehend that it will never, by my current understanding, BE settled. For now, I'll just imagine that I somehow please Ganesha, and get a little sleep.

posted by dale @ 11:35 PM