Double Flee A

Hi, I'm Dale Shipley, bachelor attorney, and I hope that as you move out of the honeymoon phase with your girlfriend, you'll consider retaining my services. There's a lot that needs saying in a relationship that's best left to someone else, and I'm suggesting you make that someone else me.

For example, in the course of a new relationship between a man and a woman, the issue of three-ways is bound to crop up. There are women who think they're a good idea, and those women are known as "awesome", but alas, these heaven-sent gals are few and far between and you're not dating one. Face it, the three-way with your girlfriend and her hot roommate was your idea, and unless you take drastic action it ain't gonna happen. Meanwhile, your girlfriend's over there fantasizing about being old and having grandkids spilling things you're too damn old to clean up as you both rock in chairs on a porch. That makes you nervous, all shuddery and bothered, as it should. Why someone would spend five seconds of their sexual prime daydreaming about being a geriatric defies the imagination. It seems somehow very wrong to you, and what I'm telling you is that you're right to feel that way. That sucks. You've got to decide that things are going to change around here. You deserve a three-way. And if you retain my services, you're going to get one.

One of the most ridiculous ideas of the modern age is that different viewpoints have equal value. They don't. Just because somebody believes that the earth is flat or that Noah hauled all the animals in the world on a boat, or pretty much any explanation the church gives for reality, doesn't make that belief as credible as scientific fact. I could believe that I was David Hasselhoff, and I’d have the right to do that, but I’d still be insane and you could tell me that, and you’d be right to do so. Anyone could, say, believe that it's offensive to disagree with them, and try to make it illegal for you to say that you do, but they can't, because of the first amendment. Your speech is protected by it and their hearing isn't, so if they don't like it, they can join the Taliban and get the fuck out of America. They won't, of course, because that would mean "so long, bikini babes." Is it mere hyperbole to compare your right to do what you want to the right to free speech? No! Your rights have come under attack! There is no amendment securing the rights of your libido, and that's where I come in. You believe that you should get a hot three-way, and she believes you shouldn't, and there is a clear right and a wrong here: she's wrong and you're right. It's time for her to keep her restrictions off your body. Your desire to have the three-way far outweighs her desire not to. You're not asking too much; she's asking too much when she expects you not to want to. Your natural desire to get laid as much as possible, as vigorously as possible must not be a silent victim any longer. Together we will cast off this yoke of oppression!

The choice is yours: you can limp pathetically into your appointed rocking chair griping about how you never got a three-way, or you can get in touch with Dale Shipley, bachelor attorney, and have awesome sex with two chicks at the same time. I know what I'd do.

posted by dale @ 8:54 AM