Double Flee A

In Crossville, Tennessee there are a lot of churches. Property taxes being what they are, churches can't operate at a loss, so there's got to be someone to give money to these churches. Fortunately, many, many Tennesseeans love to give them money.

One of the biggest churches in Crossville, Tennessee is the United methodist church downtown. They have a gymnasium. When I was a boy we had sleepovers in that place, and we would play basketball all night in their gym. One of the sheep in that church's flock is a guy named Horace.

The lovely Joyce has a picture of she and Horace and I standing in front of something. Horace isn't famous yet, but he should be. Horace is a builder, and he built the something that was behind us in the picture. I say with complete confidence and without fear of contradiction that what he built is the biggest treehouse in the world. I can't show you the picture of us, but I can show you the treehouse, which he says he built it to glorify the lord. And if the lord is anything like that treehouse, you'd better start praying your ass off, because he's coming down any minute now, and when he does, somebody's getting hurt.

yo

Seeing the treehouse is sort of a religious experience. It's too damn big to even be real. If the smartest twelve-year old in the world (not autistic-smart, a twelve-year old with normal twelve-year old desires) had unlimited materials and help and time, he would have made this exact thing, and if the twelve-year old were a born again christian, he would have done it the same way. The stairs aren't level and are different sizes.

Inside the treehouse is a sanctuary with pews and a basketball hoop. And a tree growing up through it on which is carved JESU and half an S. Oh, did I say that tree was growing? I'm sorry, what I meant to say is it's dead. A dead tree right at the center of this thing is helping hold it up. You forget while you're shooting hoops that you're a good twenty feet off the ground. The screams of children who are running joyfully through this monstrosity add to the effect of surreality. Children should be running screaming from this deathtrap.

Of course, I went to the top, where the view out the window was this.

While up there, I was more afraid than I have been since jumping out of an airplane, and for the same reason, which was that I was doing what my body told me was the stupidest thing possible. In the case of the treehouse, I agree. My legs were shaking so badly that they went into a state of being completely locked up. There was a sense that this was so dangerous that I might actually be dying right now and not even realize it yet, so my brain checked with my body at many times its normal rate to make sure it was still there. Minutes later, about halfway through my descent from the tower I realized I was in pain. I'd given myself powerful cramps in my quadriceps from trembling in fear. You would have been trembling, too. It was very high up.

It's held up by sturdy wood.

Wood that's on a plumb line only in Alice's wonderland.

Here's the back. Not as bad looking as the front.

Because it's hard to get an idea from the other picture how big it is, here's how people look in that tower, which is a bell tower. The bells are made of cut-off oxygen tanks. People climb up and ring them.

It is the craziest thing I have ever seen. For directions to it email me.

posted by dale @ 7:18 PM