Thursday

Questions borne of my caffeine high at work today:

What would you do if you were the last person on earth?

I think I'd put a giant afro wig on a blow-up doll and strap it to my back and hit all the major league baseball parks, where I would have sex with it at home plate while howling original compositions about how lonely I was. I'd also have an assault rifle with which to defend myself from wild animals. I would use that to shoot stuff that reflected my image, which I would probably get tired of seeing. Lots of stuff would get set on fire. I also think it would be fun to drive cars through buildings. And the little figurines they sell at gift shops would have to die. I'd be a figurine destroyin' machine.

If you could never actually stay dead, would you kill yourself for fun?

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