13 Ways to Make a Bible Useful
by Aaron Kendall1. If inserted at the right angle, it makes one Hell of a doorstop.
2. When stacked on top of the Tora and the Koran, you can reach those hard-to-reach shelves with your favorite porn videos.
3. If shot at the proper velocity, it can easily penetrate and decimate a living target who believes in the wrong arbitrarily-selected deity.
4. If you need to fluff up your college paper with long-winded, four-paged meaningless quotes, look no further than the Bible.
5. Bibles are to hot nuns what cute puppies are to hot chicks in your nearby park.
6. You can correct ministers about Bible passages and make them appear as even bigger fools.
7. You can hide utensils in them which you intend to use in digging your way through your prison wall.
8. If you carve a hole through the center, you can make the ultimate Bible Bong. In fact, many people have claimed to see God with the Bible Bong.
9. It can provide you with at least a dozen excuses as to why you molested your four-year-old little sister. Being born into sin is always the big winner.
10. You can use it to spread the love of God, especially while he's drowning everybody.
11. If you hand Bibles out as Christmas presents to young toy-hungry nephews and nieces, it's a subtle way of letting them know that you hate them.
12. You can become part of the new sexual fad called Bibling, where you shove a Bible inside a woman's private area.
13. It can be used as a mobile toilet, when you have to go really bad. It's already full of shit anyway...so what's the harm?
That's funny, Aaron, but of course, there are nuggets of wisdom in the bible too. Really! Here are some of my very favorite words to live by!
Virgins = war booty! "Have you allowed all the women to live?" he [Moses] asked them.... "Now ... kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man."
- Numbers 31:1-18
Rape = marriage! Yay! If a man [meets] a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her ... He must marry the girl ... He can never divorce her as long as he lives.
- Deuteronomy 22:28-29
Kill your kids! God did tempt Abraham, ... And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest ... and offer him there for a burnt offering...
- Genesis 22:1-2
Oh no! I'm puffed up with conceit!
... all who are under the yoke of slavery ... who have believing masters ... must serve all the better since those who benefit by their service are believers and beloved. Teach and urge these duties. If any one teaches otherwise ... he is puffed up with conceit, he knows nothing; he has a morbid craving for controversy..., which produce envy, dissension, slander, base suspicions, and wrangling among men who are depraved in mind...
- I Timothy 6:1-5
Big dicks rule!
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
- Ezekiel 23:20
On Jesus:
Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother...
- Matthew 10:34-35
The next day..., Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." ... In the morning..., they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Peter ... said to Jesus, "Rabbi, look! The fig tree ... has withered!"
- Mark 11:12-14, 20-21
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