Tuesday

letter to a neighbor

I slid the following letter under the offending door:

4/19/05

Hi, my name is * and I am unfortunately your neighbor. Last night you woke me up with all that noise. Between the breaking glass and/or dishes or whatever that was and then the getting yelled at by that drunk fat guy and his drunk weasel-looking friend, I’m guessing you were having a worse night than I was.

Then when I woke up this morning, I look and someone has obviously just stepped all over the Buick parked under your window, caved in its roof, and torn the screen from your window. That means either you’ve got some really good pussy in there or people just don’t know when to quit, or possibly both. I personally don’t care if you have the best pussy in the world; I don’t want to hear that kind of noise at half past three in the morning, ever again.

I should have called the cops and had them investigate that shit with your window, because you must now have the idea that a bunch of drunken wild cavemen and you doing whatever you want is ok. It isn’t. This isn’t some drunken camping trip, and it isn’t pretend world. It is my fucking neighborhood and if you want to remain in it, there are fucking rules.

If this continues, you will wish you had never heard of uptown. Consider your "get out of jail free" card used. I value sleep more than I value you, and the rest of the neighborhood and I have seen enough of you fucking white trash-ass people come and go from that apartment not to avoid calling the police on your in-bred asses.

Take care. Change locks. Change friends. Really. The ones you have are idiots. Get an attack dog, get some mace, and get a stun gun. Get a big rugby-playing boyfriend named Bubba who doesn’t take any shit. You and he can bludgeon those two guys to death and throw their bodies in the river. I don’t care. Just make the noise stop.


Sincerely,
Me

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