Double Flee A

The last (chronologically first) in a series of fights at Riverside Military Academy.

Episode four, the time I got beat up by a stupid Christian.

When I was 13 I was sent to military school for the summer because I was not taking my studies seriously. As you will no doubt recall, I then did start taking my studies seriously so I wouldn't have to go back, which later backfired.

At the time, though, learning was at the top of the list, and I was 13. I was studying as everyone usually did between the hours of seven and nine PM, when I got engaged in a discussion with a suitemate about evolution. The original words are lost to my memory, but they were something along the lines of "You can't reconcile that the world was created in six days with the theory of evolution. Adam and eve, or evolution. Pick one." Come to think of it, because of what he then obviously did, this might have been the beginning of my not liking people my age during my teenage years. The gist of my statement was "You can't have both."

At Riverside during the two hour evening study period, there is a fifteen minute break for those who want to touch base with their friends, throw a frisbee, etc. Basically, you are allowed to leave your room. I left the room on this break and wished I hadn't.

No more than twenty minutes after my discussion with my dumbass suitemate, whose name I can't remember either, my words had been twisted, and I was whisked away to a room far away, in front of a group of about thirty people, with a guy named Maples in front of me.

The group pronouncement went thusly: "We heard what you've been saying about how the bible's bullshit, Shipley." My statement had been made for me. The question went up to Maples: "Whose side are you fighting on?" He answered in one word, which I will never forget. The rest of this is only approximate, but Maples, the dope, the idiot, said simply "Christianity."

Then he popped me in the face with a quick right and I just stood there bleeding. I was aghast at this development, and looking back, to take a hit was a far more Christlike thing to do than go around beating up people smaller than you. (I was small at 13. Only a few people send their 13-year olds to military school, the rest are 15-18.) He didn't punch me again. Nobody did anything but at first, try to egg me on, and then when it didn't work, soak up the awkwardness and leave.

It's important, now that you've been reading my diatribes against the "moral" "majority"'s hypocrisy and impenetrable fascist rhetoric for years, that I make it clear that when I was 13, I wasn't railing on the idea of "Adam and Eve, wonder twins from Miracle Heights" the way I do now. I was just making a point that it took some good old American violence to screw up into meaningless confusion. I was a person who was being taught a lesson. Don't ask questions. Obey. Like it.

A funny thing. At the time I got socked in the mouth, my mouth was already swollen. A few days before I had whacked my face on a diving board as part of a really poor bounce, so my face was already a wreck. I still get asked what that scar above my upper lip is to this day. At the time it got busted by Maples' righteous fist of stupidity, my lip was already sticking out about a mile. I had got the nickname Howard the duck, because my lip looked like a duck bill.

I wonder how many Christians have been beat up by people not believing in the virgin birth. I bet it's not very goddamn many.

That's too bad, too. The virgin birth is totally ludicrous. Noah's ark is even worse. And the creation of everything by a big being "somewhere" just complicates the problem of how it got here, and in a way totally consistent with "mankind's need to make itself feel important" trumping common sense. In my opinion, it's the combination of ignorance and zealousness that should be punished. And I would love it if somebody tried to argue it with me, because I would enjoy embarassing them. But I think that's pretty clear by now.

"But Dale, you're wasting your time! And that's pretty childish and obviously revenge for some dunb crap that took place so many years ago!" I know. But a long as there is stupidity, there will be somebody trying to tell people there is stupidity. And I'm the guy that does that.

Well, that's the end of the fighting stories from Riverside Military Academy. Thanks for bearing with me.

posted by dale @ 12:40 PM