In weather like this, I like to fire up the wifi, hit the porch, and wait for it to collapse. You should see my porch. And when I'm sitting there wondering which beam's going to be the first to give way (could it be the one that looks like it's rotted away completely? or maybe it's the one that's just much lower than it should be for no readily apparent reason...) I like to fire up good old winamp and listen to "100 years" by five for fighting, because I want to die, but suicide is too permanent. Ok, I don't want to die. But that is the only reason I can think of why anyone would intentionally listen to that song. Before my brother left for TN I had made quite a sport of mocking it. It's a song that, like the masterpieces of Dave Matthews, can be sung wordlessly. Just pretend you've got a mouthful of you-know-what, and make music-like mouth noises. I realize this doesn't translate well to the typed page, so I will have to urge you to try it yourself. The lyrics are available here for syllabic simulacra. For beginners to this art form, I recommend "under the table and dreaming", the part where Dave starts breaking it down all funky like a duck getting buggered by John Ashcroft on amphetamines singing scat-style. It's the lamest.
In other shitty music news, I hate shopping at JC Penney. Going in there is an adventure into the music I hate most in the world. I never realized what good buys they have in there, and I think it's because I've mentally blocked out every trip I've ever taken to JC Penney. When I went there in Vegas to buy funeral clothes I heard the Doobie Brothers do a song, which is already a cruel joke, and then I managed not to puncture my eardrums only to be rewarded by "you're so vain" by Carly Simon. That drove me to the women's dressing room with J's camera to cope. Here's a bunch of certificates of achievement for women who have completed the bra fitting training course, and who JC Penney deems adequate to the task.
Here's my favorite, Connie.
I get the feeling you're not going to surprise this old pro. She's seen it all. After I took these pictures a lady came and kicked me out.
Vegas is all lights and stuff on the strip, but out in town it's just like any other place. Later to cheer me up after the Carly Simon incident we ate at a Joe's crab shack for comparitively nothing. If it's an evil chain, I know nothing of it. It isn't as obnoxious as what we have now here in MN, which is the Forrest Gump Shrimp Company. That's out at the mall of America. down Ikea Way from Ikea. I guess that's some furniture store. I want a Joe's crab shack here, but I more just want to burn down the Forrest Gump Shrimp Company. One of my favorite articles of all time is one about censorship going on the offensive, and it features Forrest Gump.
Here's that, cached. The original's missing right now.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home