Double Flee A

Not sure where I got this, sorry it has to remain uncredited. If that's ok with Ginsu, I mean, Maynard.

More than half (two) of the Christians I interviewed do not take the Bible's account of creation literally! How can this be? I was truly shocked. How can you not take the Bible literally? And as if that wasn't enough, one-third of them feel that the Old Testament doesn't matter any more! The old testament makes up more than 60% of the Bible! Myself, and fellow Christian fundamentalists, are outraged!

Fortunately, all three of them believed that the Bible and science are compatible. This greatly relieved me. Maybe our young Christians aren't so lost on a path of evil as I thought. Now, I had better explain this to all of you arrogant atheists out there. The Bible and science are compatible, in fact, they help each other for several reasons. Firstly, who's to say that the Bible and evolution aren't compatible? Have you ever heard of the day-age theory? Hello! It would have taken God a long time to create the universe, it's not like he can just snap his fingers and make anything happen! That would almost make him all-powerful!

Also, I mean, come on people: haven't you ever heard of the watchmaker's argument? Solid logical basis there. I mean, how can you not fully put your faith in an analogy where one side involves completely organic material and the other is 90% artificially made? I mean, the comparison still holds true: we had to have been made by something! That's what you call creationi – intelligent design. That's it. I didn't say anything before intelligent design. Moving on, I'd like to point out that if you took out one letter square from a Scrabble box every five seconds, it would take you 800 000 years to spell the word evolution! Come on, all you atheists – convert! I've practically undermined your entire religious stance here!

Now, what about Noah's Ark story? There's a good lot of evidence for a worldwide flood when you consider the fact that heaps of tribes throughout the world have a common memory of a flood (as well as flying snakes, a god that turns into a golden shower to get laid, and hundreds of conflicting creation theories), but hey, if they have a common memory of a flood, it must be true! Also, it's pretty wrong to say that God couldn't have fit all of the lions, leopards, cats, jaguars, panthers, pumas, etc onto the ark. He could've just taken two cats on, then they reproduced like mad when they got off the boat! There's a name for that! Next, I'd like to blow some incorrect atheist nonsense out of the water.

Firstly, a lot of atheists think that if God knows everything, then we have no free will! This is complete rubbish, and here's why. Do a little experiment for me. Flip a coin and, if it's heads, scratch your head. If it's tails, give yourself the thumbs-up. Now, here's what will really blow atheists out of the water: if you get a heads, do the thumbs-up. See? You do have free will! Has God prevented you from doing anything? No! Therefore he exists! I win! No returns.

Now, I'm sure some of you atheists out there are going to argue with this editorial, but it doesn't matter, I'm not going to listen to you, because you're atheists without morals. I mean, come on, you actually support aborting babies? Why don't you just eat the babies? I mean, without God, how can anyone possibly have morals? It's not like there are people out there who actually want to better the human race - the only possible reason anyone would have for acting morally is so that they can get into heaven. Makes sense, right?

Next, let's look at some of the good morals taught by the Bible. For example, take a look at Exodus 21:15 2 Samuel 24:15, 2 Samuel 23: 8, 2 Kings 1:9-12, 2 Kings 9:10, 1 Chronicles 2:3, 1 Chronicles 19:18, 2 Chronicles 15:13, 2 Chronicles 28:6-8, Esther 2:22-23, Esther 9:16, Job 6:4, Job 16:9, Psalms 50:22, Proverbs 16:4, Proverbs 30:33, Jeremiah 4:4, Jeremiah 9:15-16, Revelation 1:7, Revelation 9:7-10 … wait! Don't read those! In fact, those verses don't even exist … so, um … yeah. In conclusion, I've proven God exists. Any questions? No? Good.

posted by dale @ 9:41 PM