Sunny Florida is home to many criminals. Most of them, like me, restrict their activities to traffic violations. Oh, how we speed. For the more serious criminal there's burglary, and for the foolhardy, doing it while people are home.

Last night someone attempted to get in here, no doubt to steal my passwords and sabotage my blog. How heinous. Little do they realize there is no insult to which I have not already subjected it. Who's laughing now, burglar Bill?

My lovely wife discovered the damage to our deadbolt this morning when her key didn't fit on her way out the door. Neither did mine, and since locks are notorious for the sameness of function and idiosyncrasy our deduction of the cause was quick; today I have to dick around and get the stupid property company to call a locksmith and tell me how to program our burglar alarm, which has been sitting on the wall doing nothing for months except reminding me what a lazy ass I am for not knowing.

Maybe the would-be burglar saw how awesome I am and wants to hang out with me. To them I would say as I say to you all, email me and make an appointment like a civilized person. Breaking in in the middle of the night does not confer good discretion.

No children roam about my home; hence the gun at my bedside is loaded. I doubt getting killed by myself is the goal of anyone, because I'm the exact guy you wouldn't want to be the one who killed you. I'm too friendly, too genial. I brush my teeth twice daily, make introductions, pick up tabs. It would be a disappointment. Besides, there are quicker ways to die that that don't involve breaking in places, and humans tend to follow the path of least resistance. I don't want to kill anyone a lot, but I don't want to die even more.


At Thursday, September 27, 2007, Blogger Ian said...

Sorry about that; I was looking for those Atari cartridges you borrowed from me. Jonesin' for some Pitfall.


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