how to make people unhappy

Tell them the truth.

For example, purity is not a human vagina, ask a microbiologist.

And just to be on the safe side, don't even talk to pregnant women.

I work with a pregnant woman who told me she'd just her fetus sexed and it's going to be a boy. Here's what you don't say to a woman that tells you that.
me: Ok, cool. So now you just have to come up with a name for it, right? But you might want to do yourself and the baby a favor and not name it something that rhymes with -aden, like Braden or Kayden or Jayden or Quayden, because that's wildly popular these days and you don't want him to sit in a class with like seven other -adens, and you also don't want to give too much away about yourself.

her: What do you mean? [her face falling slightly]

me: Well, it's just a really trendy name right now. Anyone who sees that kid's name for the rest of his life is going to know that his parents thought -aden names, just like every other person having a baby, was "like the kewlest!" I mean, when it's a name that rhymes with "Laquisha" everyone knows it's a black girl, right? Well, the -aden names are just as predictable. It's a white kid whose parents wanted something slightly exotic but still safe. So there you go.

her: ...

me: I'm not making you feel any better, am I?

her: No.

me: Ok, see you later.

I repeat, do not do that. Instead lie like hell no matter what. "Sphlayden, awesome! you know, my grandfather was also almost named Sphlayden. God how I wish he HAD been! OUGH!" Then strangle an imaginary person who didn't name your grandfather that and cry, because it makes pregnant woman feel better than what I did, and the expectation is that you under no circumstances are to ever say anythng that will make people feel bad, most of all a pregnant woman.


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