so long and thanks for all the fish



From the best of craigslist:
It's me! Every girl ever.
Date: 2007-11-07, 10:38AM EST

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!


just fix the goddamn tire

I went on down to the closest retailer of tires to me, Rick Johnson Auto & Tire to get my tire fixed. Seems I'd run over a nail. The guy told me it could be fixed, so I said let's do 'er. As I'm standing at the counter I notice over my shoulder a bunch of christian literature sharing a rack with ads for different tires. The guy starts in on the transaction, which as far as he's concerned requires a lot of fields to be filled out on a screen, including a bunch of my personal information.

I gave him my name but when he asked for my address I shook my head and asked if that was really necessary, which he correctly sensed was rhetorical. Here's another rhetorical question. Is it just me, or are transactions getting more and more difficult? It's more rare that I buy something and the counter helper person doesn't ask me if I have one of their company's extra special cards, than that they don't. It even happened the other day when I bought a christmas ornament at the hallmark store. "No, I do not have a hallmark credit card", I was forced to say, though I indulged in saying it as emptily as possible. Thereby did we avoid the follow-up question about if I'd want one or not. You get good at these things after enough nonsense.

When I buy something, I don't want to give out my name address and phone number. I don't want a credit card for your store, even if by so doing, I will get a special discount. I just want to give some money to people who will do something for me I can't do myself. That's what makes this whole big rodeo we call an economy keep ripping along.

But if they won't relent, I also want something else. I want to reply to the zombies that have to spend their days and nights asking people like me if they have special credit cards by asking them something.

Do you want me to get a card? Do you really really want me to? Would it help you out a whole lot if I did? If it's not going to make your day personally, I'm going to need some more convincing, because being asked about whether I want to open an account with your fine firm has already cost me some of my valuable time. Maybe if you could tell me why it is that you are in this place and convince me why it's not a total waste of human life, that could project me into a reality that isn't so hopelessly bleak it makes me think if you were killed in a robbery, it wouldn't be such a terrible loss. If you could let me know that you understand how soulless and deprived your job is compared with what you're expected to bring to it in terms of human interaction, that would make me want a card.


This sounds like a very funny movie.
Walk hard.


The Fighting Irish?

Hey, that's a stereotype and it should be changed! Let's see. What about these instead?

The Stupid Republicans
The Greedy Jews
The Wimpy Faggots
The Stealin' Niggers
The Homoerotic Butt-slappin' Coaches

Maybe we should just leave it the way it is so no one will get offended.


In the United States of America today, churches and religious groups are treated with enormous sensitivity and deference by politicians and the media, a deference they have not earned. Far too often, the government and society in general bends over backwards to accommodate and encourage religious beliefs even when there is no rational reason why they should do so. The most egregious example of this is the sweeping tax exemptions granted to religion.

Tax the churches.

When three hot naked girls go to the beach, it's a lucky thing someone's nearby with a camera, so they don't waste the hot nakedness. Not safe for oppressive regimes.