We should pamphlet pictures of naked women over Iran and my father's house!

Iran launches new crackdown on unIslamic dress

why pictures of me suck

Take a baby's picture and they look pretty happy. Somebody says smile and that's all the reason they need. They'll look right at the camera and ham it up. Some adults do this too, like my wife who looks great in every picture, not least because she's pretty to begin with.

I'm probably considered less attractive than my wife and most babies. But even bearing this fact in mind, I take disproportionately poorer photographs than they do. What can account for this gaping, uh, gap?

A surfeit of mirrors surrounds me at home and work, and the difference between what I see in them and in photographs has made me flinch with aggravated incomprehension. But then I looked at the fridge today and a little light went on. Not the one that helps you see the food. A metaphorical light.

There's a photograph of a baby on that fridge, the son of a friend, and he looks at the camera with what might be considered a mild joy. This can partially be explained by that he doesn't know what he's looking at. He also probably doesn't comprehend what mild joy is either, but that's neither here nor there.

I, on the other hand, DO know what I'm looking at. On the other end of that camera is a practical infinity of different people in different scenarios, some of whom will project fondness upon the image of me, and others who might project something very different from fondness. I see millions of possible pairs of eyes staring back at me in that silent, inky circle that leads to a future whose potentialities baffle and confound me. A bottomless pit of perspective. Smile!

The camera extrudes, flattens, and transports a person, and being aware of this steals moments from me. And that's the look I have in photographs; someone who's just had a moment of his life stolen away. This even extends into self-portraiture, and I'm not sure what I can do about this, or if it's worth doing anything about.

There's a picture of me finishing off a texas fifth of Jack Daniel's on the wall across from the kitchen, and I'm flipping off the camera. And maybe it's because I'm drunk and have removed this painful perspective from my mind entirely, or maybe I saw the light of love in photography, but it's not a bad picture.

Some of the time an item I want on ebay will be something someone else also wants. This isn't good, since I'm not made of money and I tend to lose in this instance. When I want something, several people, in fact, usually want it and then I can forget about that one and move on. Which reminds me, someone at Ebay has a badass curve of time left and bid amounts that I would love to see.

Once you know what's in a watch, which are my most frequently desired objects, it's easier to determine what you will and won't pay for something. For the rest of the things on ebay, though, it's hard to tell what something's worth. So there's this great little tool you can use to find out what the thing you're looking at sold for last time. To see what Atari 2600 stuff has been going for, click here.

It'll ask you to sign in and then you can change the search terms to whatever you are looking at. This will prevent you from an embarrassing overbid. Ta-da.

Sometimes when someone is bidding on something I want and I've given up on getting it, I push the bid higher just so that the other guy will have to spend more money. Since I only do this with three hours or more remaining, I have never been unsuccessful. I am a sad, petty little man.


After battling god's favorite disease, Tammy Faye finally kicked the bucket after wasting away to four and a half pounds. But so that horrifying disfigurements don't extend into the afterlife, there's reportedly this awesome thing called a "glorified body" which I am so glad someone thought of, 'cause there's a load off MY mind.

So right here, today, I am proud to announce, is a Double Flee A exclusive: pictures from Tammy Faye's heavenly red carpet ceremony. I don't want to make judgments, but I think she looks pretty darn happy!

dead at 65


top 10 things i have learned about working on rolexes

1. after putting power on it and waiting for what would ordinarily be backlash, the driving wheel on the 1570 should turn anywhere from one to two and a half times to insure the appropriate amount of friction between the seconds pinion and the seconds pinion friction spring, after you lift the spring from the seconds pinion

2. barrel endshakes are a pain sometimes

3. don't use the knurled portion of the special tool when tightening part 5093 on the 3035, otherwise you'll have to replace part 5092, which will mean stripping the plate down completely and using ANOTHER special tool that is hard to get used to using

4. no amount of begging a reluctant watch is effective

5. off-center hairsprings can cost you a lot of amplitude, and binocular magnification is underrated

6. the 2235 is a piece of crap which i hate

7. the 3055 will work no matter what you do to it

8. in the 3135, you get a comparative lot of slop on the endshake of the incredibly well-designed balance

9. a watch can gain 40 degrees of amplitude after you let it run overnight

10. nothing beats the right tools and sometimes you have to bend hands slightly, so it pays to polish the back edge of your F tweezers


the magical healing

Televangelist lets the bodies hit the floor


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I woke up thinking about a kid I used to know who was trouble. He drank and lied and was basically a criminal, and this was elementary school. He was a little too self-assured to sympathize with, and I'm sure he had problems, but the guy was basically just a mean asshole and everybody knew he'd end up in the joint, even though we didn't know we knew it. Ask anybody from then and I'm sure they'll say the same thing; as you get older your vocabulary improves, and as it does so does your understanding of the world. They grow like a tree and a vine together I guess.

It's been something I've wanted to do, to get my first grade class and find out what happened to them, and make a documentary film of them, so we could all learn what happens to a slice of the people of the country. I know that this is a great idea and I hope someone will do it some time. There are so many things to do and no time.

So I put that guy's name into the Tennessee Inmate Locator and lo and behold he's in NWCX, which means Northwest Correctional Complex. Here's a map of where that is. If you don't want to click on it, I'll just tell you the address of this place is 960 State Route 212, and that the original name of State Route 212 is Negro Graveyard Road.

If you're going to wind up in a prison, I can't think of a better address for the place than Negro Graveyard Road. If I was there I'd make people use that as an address. State route my ass.


Since absolute security is unobtainable (except at an unacceptable cost in terms of individual rights) it is inevitable that the United States will be the target of another terrorist attack at some point in the future. It may be tomorrow, or it may be thirty years from now. It is bound to happen. When it does, there will be two very happy groups of people: Islamic fundamentalists and American neoconservatives.



Prez "pre-emptively" saves all Repubs from becoming "prison bitches." Dems: "Can he do that?"



woman as cartoon

Victoria Beckham, wife of soccer star David Beckham and former Spice Girl, known as Posh, is filmed during batting practice before a Dodgers baseball game in Los Angeles, Monday, June 11, 2007.


how will it end?

The chief goal of this blog has always been to balance and restore the human spirit through complaining and occasional careless links to pussy and dorky internet shit. Please accept my humble offer of nothing today, and think about how much you need me, knowing that I have also done this, and am in a bit of a blogestential conundrum over it.

and here's half a chick's butt.

and then the violence stopped.

U.S. soldiers pray in a circle before leaving Camp Victory for their patrol mission on the streets of Baghdad July 7, 2007


I've often thought there's something wrong with anyone who listens to the same classic rock music stations hour after hour, year after year. And I can't figure out what's going on in their head any more than I can with a lizard, or a horse, or a bird. But if you abuse your time in this way, do you deserve as many hours in your day as do people who strive for improvement and desire a better world? Call me an elitist, but on my calculator I keep getting a big NO.


license to wed

Oh my god you guys! You know who's wild and crazy? Robin Williams!

Look at the guy on the left! I bet Robin Williams just said something that shocked him AND his girlfriend! You can tell he bucks authority 'cause he's all dressed up like a CHURCH guy! Ha! Ha ha ha! HAAAAAAA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, oh god. No, I can't even ha ha, look at himaaaaaaAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Robin! Stop it! You're AHA HA HA KILLING MEAA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!




Rotten tomatoes gives it a fourteen per cent rating.

Nude self portraiture.




little help

Just a couple of days ago after watching "phantom of the paradise for a second and final time, I realized that I knew of two characters in films named "Beef". One of them plays the lead in the rock opera "Faust" in phantom of the paradise, and the other one has now vanished from my mind. That bothers me, so if anyone can think of any character in a motion picture named "Beef" other than that, I'd love to hear it.

don't read this!

guest blogger: an old lady

Do not read this blog. It is filth and written by a degenerate. I forbid it, because it is unclean and immoral. This is not a nice blog!

Hey! I'm getting awful tired of telling you to stop it, young man! What do you think, you can just go around doing whatever you want? Well, you better not! I bet you're a sex pervert who has big piles of porno lying around hidden under your mattress, aren't you? With stains everywhere from your dirty business! Well if there's nothing wrong with it why you hiding it away then, mister smart guy? I ought to tell your mother!

If you don't quit reading this there'll be trouble, all right. I can tell you that! I'll call the police on you, you sex pervert! I've told you not to read this and yet you continue to defy me, like a little child! What, are you like a little child who didn't get his diaper changed and now all you can do is sit there crying like a poopy little demon? Stop reading this or I'll give you something to cry about, you can bet your poopy diaper on it! Your conscience must be like boogers and pee!

We've been through this enough. You are not a nice person and you have no respect for yourself or anyone else.