1989 sucked.

I ain't no glamour boy - I'M FIERCE


in which a thesis fails to form

J and I went out for our evening constitutional a little while ago and looked into the window of a greenhouse. (A business; we weren't snooping on someone's estate.)

As J and I weighed the merits of the various flora, I saw the condensation on the window and thought about summer and how much I missed lying on the beach and looking at the south pacific. Here it's 34 and dark, which is good; when it's dark you don't have to think about the clouds, and I'm pretty sure it's cloudy. Either way you can't see much of the stars with all the light in the city. After our chat, I'm pretty sure we'll end up with a houseplant with two-tone leaves.

Except for the panes of glass at greenhouses and conservatories, summer and winter are separated by time and distance. This cycle was what the greeks had in mind when they invented Persephone, the daughter of Zeus and the wife of Hades, who after being kidnapped, brainwashed, and then "bound" through the eating of a pomegranate seed, had to split her year between her husband, the lord of the dead, and her mother, who being married to Zeus, obviously had a sick beach house. I can see both getting old, but at least there's some variety. Heaven always scared me as much as anything else in church, I am frightened to imagine what the inside of my mind would look like if I thought the same thing all the time would be great FOREVER. I think I'd be better off as a ghost or something, if any of that was even real to begin with.

I also thought on my walk (I share with my grandfather that getting up and walking around makes me think better, or at least less poorly) about how we have had several young people in Minnesota and Wisconsin go inexplicably missing over the last two years, whose bodies have later been recovered from rivers. Most of them were known to have been drunk when seen for the last time. What I hear when listening to these stories (If for no other reason than to help me ignore their choppy, low-quality journalistic interpretations: live at five with Kent and Julie!) is the story of the seduction of water. There's obviously something calling to these people, and when they go to it, end of story.

How could it be a good idea to go swimming in the river drunk? Get drunk some night and go down to the river alone and if you make it back let me know. If people are tempted at all, though, it might be by some voice that can't be ignored, so coming back might be a good sign you never heard it. Maybe this is one of those things we all have to agree it is best not to know.

If there were such a thing as magic, we'd probably say it was something about unnatural processes taking precedence over natural ones, like the things that make living things die on purpose, whatever they are. People who hear voices are schizophrenic and sometimes they kill themselves. Before we knew it as a mental illness and had drugs and tax dollars to throw at the problem, it was probably seen as much more of a mixed thing when crazy people killed themselves.

This all had to do with something. Oh well, I'm going to watch Fargo.

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.

I'm mean and sarcastic

So there I was, reading the news in the computer lab.

Tap tap tap. Violence in the middle east. Tap. Bush is a damn fool. Tap. Iran wants to develop its nuclear program. Tap. Yawn.

Then, as if out of nowhere, there's this sista whose phone goes off like a cannon with some phat beats and some sassy-ass lady yelling about some shorty's fucking birthday or something, when I started clapping my hands and going "What!" "Unh!" "Yeah!" to the beat until she finally dug it out of her gigantic purse and shut it off. Everybody in the room was looking at me, all highly entertained. I shrugged and said "I can't help it! It's a really good song!"

I guess being back in school and having this test to deal with tomorrow has me a little tense.

It's too bad she got to that phone, because I was about to dust off some breakdancing moves and impress the ladies. Ow!

I have decided in the future when this happens to say "go shorty it's your birthday", because it would be funnier.


My lovely wife and I began our day with a latte at vera's cafe, a coffeeshop that was at the exact right spot for us to stop at on our way to where we were going. It could have been a starbucks, and in the future, a starbucks it will be. We found out from the chilly reception that Vera's is a little place that wishes it was somewhere straight people can't even get to.

I decided the right thing to do would be to alert the snotty gay dudes that they can't click their ruby slippers and make all the straight people go away, so I wrote an email to the only address I could find, a guy whose address I had to scrape off of the google cache of the now defunct vera's cafe website. Here is that email, to some guy at an earthlink address, who will probably decide that I am insane:

dale's mails: dear men at vera's cafe

The paw step ramp costs $99.95.
The paw step ramp extension costs $59.95.
Just thought you should know.

power-trippin' cops suck

Watch this video of south Florida police being total assholes to hidden camera people asking for complaint forms. It's unbelievable. I'd expect this from cops in some backwards country someplace.

CBS 4 - South Florida's Source for Breaking News, Weather, and Sports: Police Station Intimidation-Parts 1 and 2

footprints in the sand

One time I had this dream that I was walking on the beach with the arcade claw machine.
I remembered all the good times we had with those aliens and teddy bears that kept getting away.
And each time I would think back and remember the claw machine footprints right there by me.
But sometimes there was only one set of footprints.
So then I was thinking about when the ocean would come and wash away some of the footprints like that time when I went to that meeting with that motivational speaker and it made everybody feel all funny like Abraham Lincoln was trying to come right off of that five dollar bill and do weird things to their butthole while they were asleep.
And so I turned to the arcade claw machine and I says to it, I says
Hey buddy, what's up with the whole thing where you say you will always have a spot to hold my beer and then I turn around and your footprints are not even there!
And then the arcade claw machine turns to me and says in that squeaky way it has "Those times when there were just the one set of footprints over there is where you got drunk and passed out and those guys took your wallet."
And I looked back and I gave it a quarter and just patted it on its big red button as if to say "Oh yeah. My bad, arcade claw machine."

Well, vacation was good. It was about eighty five and sunny and beachy and corona-y every day so there you go. It's good to be back though where nobody is going to beg us for money and we can drink the water and open the fridge and close it again and watch tv in English.

I'm out of the office this week.

17,600 lbs. of cocaine siezed

BBC NEWS | Europe | Portugal makes 'record' drug haul

It's links!

You want to look at a man with a giant white afro! You will go to WELCOME TO GARY SPIVEY.COM

Remember freedom fries? Iran has now done that too: Iran targets Danish pastries. "[Danishes] will now be known as "Roses of the Prophet Muhammad" after Iran’s confectioners’ union ordered the name change in bakeries across the country’s capital."

Lots of people come to Jerusalem and think they're people from the bible. It's even called "Jerusalem syndrome":
"The syndrome affects around one per cent of visitors... The most frequent sufferers are British and American visitors." Weird. Who knew we had so many religious crazies?
BBC News | MIDDLE EAST | Holy Land overwhelmed with 'Messiahs'

Thanks Nacho. This one's for you, buddy.

I never get tired of reading and listening to things about Jonestown. Here are some mp3s of the proceedings.a I forget where, but somewhere there are more recordings of the good reverend's insane ramblings echoing eerily through the jungle.

Here's a site about Jonestown, pretty extensive but I can't find the recordings.

Here's the thing I was thinking of. It's an npr story.



Current conditions in Minneapolis, via the weather channel dot com:
Clear and Windy -10°F
Feels Like -31°F

cool photography

New Scientist Atmospheric 'sprites' captured in explosive detail - Breaking News

feel the love

The french girl singing the song in the top video on this page may have restored my childhood belief that angels are real. To tell for sure, I'm going to have to wait till the euphoria wears off. This girl is like kryptonite to ennui.

Who wants to see something that sucks?

If you're saying "ME! ME!" and waving your hand around like a sapling in a tornado, I've got the movie for you. It's called "waiting", and is about people that work in a restaurant.

Things this movie is not as bad as:
A fetish for pretty girls with thick black fur growing on the backs of their hands.
The poetry slam style of oratory.
Killing innocent women and children.

I think that's it.

The "lead" in this "movie" is Ryan Reynolds, a human bobble head. His repertoire of facial expressions and entire catalog of acting abilities are visible in this photo:

This movie had me waiting, too... for funny-ness!!!

The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.
- Joseph Heller



Karima Adebibe is New Lara Croft on Yahoo! News Photos

Here are some more photos of the new and substantially improved.

FindLaw's Writ - Dean: Presidential Powers In Times Of Emergency
Legally speaking, Could Terrorism Result In A Constitutional Dictator?

2 bad links

From where else... something awful, who led me to my second favorite site ever, the national cornbread festival theme song.

Some people's fetishes... Glued To Her Seat - Glued to her Chair Forums - Message Board
Here's an example. It's the highest quality one I could find:

And "Family Guardian", a meeting place for those who need others like them to fight the crazy evolutionists and so on, whose mission is clearly to get them sent to hell. Family Guardian isn't going to let that happen.
Family Guardian: Protecting individuals and families

I want to watch these some time, because I love elevator humor:
Mitchell Rose: Comedic Short Films

What happens when Heidi Klum has a swimsuit painted onto her naked body?
SI.com - 2006 Swimsuit - Model: Heidi Klum

secret jones

There was once an instructional video about freestyle bicycle riding my dad bought me to go with the trick bike he also bought me. Which was really cool, but which I left outside in the rain. But in my defense, I didn't understand exactly how rust works. I never learned to do the bike tricks, but I got a huge kick out of the video. It's one of those things that has disappeared into the past never to be seen again and it's just as well. The memory of the video is doubtless superior to the real thing.

The band that supplied the music for this video was "secret jones". I would co-opt this name years later when I saw a creepy black guy with a couple of white children downtown. For all I know, everything was on the up and up, but I am from Tennessee, and these old habits die hard, if they ever die at all. I dubbed this ragtag band of friends secret jones and the milk carton kids, and they passed around the corner and were gone forever. But that's the (dual) story of secret jones.

One of the band's songs, I think the one that ran during the intro, was "ride in the sky" and its lyrics mentioned something about the neighbor's daughter, which was funny then and even moreso later, when we figured out that doing tricks on your bicycle wasn't going to get as many girls as a beat up dodge station wagon.



Atomic Bomb detonation by Harold Edgerton


urban decay:
Forgotten Detroit

If you haven't seen Scott McClellan's press conferences lately, you're missing some high comedy. His act is so weak it's amazing. Downloadable here.

If you're asking yourself, "Am I acting under the pernicious influence of Satan right now? What about the self-esteem of these naked women?" when you see this stuff, please. Don't come bitching to me. Not safe for work.

firefusk gallery browser: all galleries

i couldn't decide

So you get both.

via Wolcott, the National Review continues its proud tradition:

And Another Thing . . . on National Review Online


Much of what we believe about ourselves and the world, then, is conditioned by a 'pyramid' of individuals who accept a range of "necessary illusions" and who are therefore selected for positions of influence within an establishment framework. Because these journalists, politicians and academics all believe what they're saying, and because they all say pretty much the same thing, their version of reality has every appearance of being simply the Truth.
MEDIA ALERT: A FEW SIMPLE TRUTHS - Propaganda, Power, And Moral Truisms

The regional burger chain that wouldn't die:
Druther's Restaurant - Princeton, KY - DineSite.com

we gets email!

An old buddyroo rattles in:

hey dale!

a friend of mine is in Iran right now as a tourist. only about 150 americans/year get to tour that country. it's taken him a year and half to get the visa and he's seen some amazing things from that country. he started a blog to chronicle his travels-- it's


my favorite--the soldier who stops him in the street and interrogates him as to where he's from. nervously he says "america" and the soldier tells him that he knows all about america--kerouac, ginsburg, etc. and this soldier has markings on his uniform that denote his having attained a masters degree. lets learn something about these people before we bomb the hell out of them.

Your email makes me wonder if my distaste for all things beat does not normally extend to the masters degree crowd. I can't stand Ginsberg and Kerouac, myself, and would be interested to hear from others on why their work was so epoch-making. Was the establishment before them so monolithic I can't appreciate how radical their break was? Maybe, but American Haikus still makes me shrug.

Besides my need for a culture-shower with the author of "sphincter" (oh god. now I do need a shower.), I wish the best of luck to your friend, and I'll be giving his blog a sift.

WCCO-TV Veterans Take To TV To Build Iraq War Support

Seen these? They're full of lies and disgust me. They're paid for by "the patriotic freedomerica freedom fund" or some other just-as-slimy republican front men.

Can we, as a society, just agree to stop the whole "You'd never know it from watching the news" thing? It's the most meaningless argument I can think of. But it ain't going away when these assholes can lie about how the war's going and why it exists with the world trade center burning in the background. (They've erroneously claimed the high ground when they can get away with that. It's a great example of power being taken.)

When the facts are against you, I learned from my father, impugn the medium that brings it to you. Just fight like hell against whatever contradicts the beliefs in your red, white, and blue happy-bubble. And if you want an approximate number of how many people are drinking the kool-aid, extrapolate the presidential approval ratings. How is it that anyone could possibly think "George Bush is doing a good job as president"? What criteria exist that I don't know about? It absolutely astonishes me.

The media can't be measured as "liberal". It's impossible to do. So how is it that this myth is perpetuated? People just like my father don't like the way the truth makes them feel, so they ignore it. What this entire liberal media argument represents is the lengths people will go, to avoid acknowledging they're suckers.

Busted changing the story:
MSNBC-scrubs beer line from Cheney Story


not good

More abu ghraib-y goodness.

People who beat up on prisoners like this have no honor. Is there somewhere we can send them?

More snaps from Abu Ghraib - General - News - smh.com.au

my reality show can beat up your reality show

If I could do whatever I wanted, I'd hire some friends to walk around taping my life and make a "reality show" out of what I did. I'd make it up as I went along.

If there have to be reality shows they should be realistic, and they aren't. Some nights you just sit there and actively put off the much-needed rearranging of your bookshelves. That's what you'd get on my show. Eventually.

The very first thing I'd do, if I were in this special situation of doing a reality tv show whose operational specifics fluctuated at my merest whim, would be to seek out other reality shows, and crash my little reality party right into theirs. I'd be reality hunting, and my gig would be wrecking the shit out of those poor bastards. Maybe I'd call it "the fake reality show" or something along those lines, to drive the point home.

Me vs. Fear factor: "Oh no, lady! Don't eat the slimy bug! That would be gross! Pee-YEW!"
Me vs. Dog the bounty hunter: "Hey, dog, the famous bounty hunter! I think that the bad guy has gone (cartoon gesture) THAT WAY!"
Me vs. Any of several prank shows: "Hey, mister! Somebody's trying to play a trick on you right now! And it's going to be on tv and be really funny! So ACT SURPRISED!"

I would have the easy job. It would be the re-real-ification of tv.

This man has to die.

Or at least go into a persistent vegetative state and have the entire "culture of life" (what a grotesquely conflated weltenschaung it is) clamor for the placement of a feeding tube. Has to.

Here's what will actually happen: the guy will wake up and become a famous spokesman for the republicans a la "Cindy Sheehan who"?

Man Wounded by Cheney Has Minor Heart Attack

The American Bar Association: Bush Exceeds His Powers

Can you make any money using this?

valentine's day

The annual post about people complaining about Valentine's day: number one hit song: Because it is bitter, and because it is my nougat-filled heart

I availed myself of this beauty from something awful, which I gave to my wife:
(click for bigger)

I also gave her one of those ice cream cakes shaped like a heart. She'll share it with the people at her work tonight. But is that the greatest card or what?

I guess it's somewhat related to love, so I'll include this: I think if I was single I'd put a pizza delivery outfit on and go from bachelorette party to bachelorette party. Because eventually...

If you're reading this, dahling, never mind that last comment, and happy V-day. Have a good night at work.

the party of small government

Some call it PREPACKAGED NEWS. I call it lies, which it is. Read that article. It's amazing.

How much does it cost to polish a turd?

Major agencies (Commerce, Defense, Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Interior, Treasury, and Veterans Affairs) spent 1.62 BILLION dollars on various public relations from 2003 - 2005. Behold the very useful and searchable report:

GAO: Abstract

1.62 Billion in smoke and mirrors. A bargain at any price.

They paid this guy, Armstrong Williams, 186,000 to say nice things about "leave no child behind", a title that approximates the degree of fucked-upness of the "U.S.A. P.A.T.R.I.O.T." act.

This violated the publicity or propaganda prohibition for fiscal year 2004 because it amounted to covert propaganda. As a result of this violation, the Department also violated the Antideficiency Act, 31 U.S.C. sect. 1341.

Just another scandal.

men do not like to be seen eating elaborate cakes in public, so a confectioner set up what looks like a typical fast food outlet to sell what look like hamburgers and fries, but that are in fact cake...
Treehugger: Trends in Japan: Sweets in Disguise

Study: "Liberals are already a disturbingly rare species among what Calvin Trillin refers to as the 'Sabbath Gasbags.' And in some debates—the war in Iraq, for example—they are in danger of becoming extinct."
"John Fund Again?" by Paul Waldman

39 per cent

Alas, presidential approval ratings are impervious to switchgrass. This sends the speechwriters back to the drawing board. I would imagine they thought the SOTU was quite the home run.
CNN.com - Poll: Americans nervous about Iran - Feb 13, 2006

not helping

British soldiers whoop up on shoeless Iraqi teens, with photos!
News Of the World - Online Edition

How to get a person on the phone, hundreds of companies.
gethuman cheats

coolest thing of the month

What's Up?
a real time news getter, with globomap. I don't know how it works, but it apparently tracks a large number of RSS news feeds as they are released.

Here's the thing.

This is highly readable.
The Top Ten Sci-Fi Films That Never Existed

I like the themes that are present in this article I found by accident. It's like a real/unreal Borges piece.
: Maine Antique Digest, February 2006


village voice > news > by Ward Sutton: "The Republican Funeral Patrol"

What's everybody doing for Valentine's day? I'm going to watch dog the bounty hunter, possibly the worst show on television, 'cause my wife works. And I'm taking the trash out. Romance is my middle name.

Here's the Official Website of Dog "Duane" Chapman - The Bounty Hunter

A quote from dog, in case you don't visit that website: "I don't care if he went to hell, I'll find him." Seriously.

I really just watch the mullet. That it's attached to dog the bounty hunter is incidental.

Colin Powell's Former Chief Of Staff Wilkerson: Iraq Pre-War Intel A 'Hoax On The American People'

But that doesn't bother republicans, because they have moral values.

Retro and Vintage Cute Little Puppy Photography
Just kidding. Not safe for work.


the answer is no

Unclaimed Territory - by Glenn Greenwald: Do Bush followers have a political ideology?

here we go again

You heard it here first, maybe.
Telegraph | News | US prepares military blitz against Iran's nuclear sites

saving lives

It has been established by now that whosoever draweth a picture of Mohammed must die for his crime. Some people have more rights than others, and accepting this fact is the sensitive, the correct, and the quintessentially "multi-cultural American" thing to do.

But what of the others, who make graven images of people other than Mohammed that could be Mohammed, but aren't? Clearly, the embassy burning fanatics can't be held responsible for their rage, which is justified by the truth of their holy text. I mean, what would you do if science teachers were to teach something other than that god made the world in schools? I rest my case.

There is a solution. Never again will anyone have to be killed as a result of someone publishing a picture of someone who isn't prophet Mohammed but looks to some like he or she could be. From now on this image can go on top of every picture in the world:

Publishers, break out the bubbly, and consider your ass covered.

Yeah, so Cheney shot a guy in the face. Seriously.

Why even the awful "landslide" by Stevie Nicks is superior to movies about the marines:

Sir, yes sir! Sir sir sir!
A-sir and a-sir and a sir sir sir!
You yell at us and we yell back!
Yell and a-sir and a-shout shout shout!
Sir yes sir and kill kill kill!
One sir two sir go fight win!
We feel angry, shout yell shout!
Yell shout yell shout sir sir sir!

Contrary to popular liberal belief, promiscuity and deviance are not modern cultural creations but have their roots much deeper in human history. Take this quiz to see how Larry Flynt's magazines don't hold a candle to the Lord's original work!

The Bible Sex Quiz | Part III

print at work

(DV) Bageant: Welcome to Middle-Class Lockdown . . . Now Shut Up and Buy Something


Seen here at Brechtesgarden, Field Marshal Karl Rudolf Gerd Von Runstedt, Reichsmarshal David Hasselhoff, Adolf Hitler, and Field marshal Heinz Guderian plan the surprise invasion of prime time television.

I get it now!

The more one agrees with and praises the Commander-in-Chief, the more "conservative" one is, even when his actions aren't even remotely "conservative." That really is the definition of a creepy cult of personality, and it has consumed a large segment of the Republican party. - Glenn Greenwald

Including my father. - me

I have to learn to cherish these eureka moments.

What he's talking about is when Bob Barr, well, here:

"Are we losing our lodestar, which is the Bill of Rights?" Barr beseeched the several hundred conservatives at the Omni Shoreham in Woodley Park. "Are we in danger of putting allegiance to party ahead of allegiance to principle?"

Barr answered in the affirmative. "Do we truly remain a society that believes that . . . every president must abide by the law of this country?" he posed. "I, as a conservative, say yes. I hope you as conservatives say yes."

But nobody said anything in the deathly quiet audience. Barr merited only polite applause when he finished, and one man, Richard Sorcinelli, booed him loudly. "I can't believe I'm in a conservative hall listening to him say [Bush] is off course trying to defend the United States," Sorcinelli fumed.

you can read that entire article here:
Bob Barr, Bane of the Right?

If god is a ten, George W. Bush must be at least an eight, but we'd need some real republicans to poll, to be sure. Let's talk, guys!

Nothing made a more lasting impression during my journey through America than the semi-comatose state in which I found the American left...

A Letter to the American Left, a letter from Bernad Henri-Levy

They remodeled the womens' cancer unit. The floors are shiny now and the rooms all have new cabinets. The lights are different, less bluish and brighter. There are big new flat-panel computer monitors all over the place, and you can hear the new ventilation system taking its endless, deep breath. Here and there, light wood paneling accents the hallways tastefully. Someone should tell the patients how lucky they are.

Dear every person in the world with an email address:

Please stop sending me links to Strindberg and Helium. It's been around basically forever, and I am fully aware that it a) exists and b) is funny. Also, don't use this as an opportunity to get cute and send me a link to strong bad's emails.

Thank you,

YouTube - Crazy Multi-Input Touch Screen

"Boys and girls," Ham said. If a teacher so much as mentions evolution, or the Big Bang, or an era when dinosaurs ruled the Earth, "you put your hand up and you say, 'Excuse me, were you there?' Can you remember that?"

-- Their Own Version of a Big Bang - Los Angeles Times

via One Thousand Reasons: Documenting the Failures of the Bush Administration


I love stuff!

Yes, I found out about this on boingboing, but I love it. You can track this down too, and snuggle up with it like a shnuppywuppykins!

the IT crowd
, downloadable via torrent @ isohunt.

Star wars valentines. Yes.
Something Awful

Norm Coleman gets humiliated, video

I don't even know how to say it anymore. The American Republic is, effectively, dead.
Oh, the corpse shambles on, elections are still held, and lip service is copiously given to freedom.

But it's dead. When the president believes he can order someone on US soil killed because he thinks he's a terrorist, when the Senate refuses to censure administration officials who lie under oath to it, when the argument about spying on Americans without a court order is about "you didn't come to us to get permission first" - well, the corpse may be stumbling along, but it's a zombie.

The end of the republic

In a culture where reality shows are further from reality than soap operas, the truth is often highly overrated. If the truth is so important, when was the last time you saw a photo of a casket coming back from Iraq?

Out of the Freying Pan

World is warmer than it has been for 1200 years

McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Klingon Recipes.

Note to self, learn this: Boing Boing: HOWTO fold a fitted sheet

We, the American Muslim Mothers Association, do appreciate the freedom of speech as a right that categorically does not include these cartoons.
: Tracy Press, Tracy CA

The 141 programs that President Bush proposed to eliminate or cut in his 2007 budget, with potential savings in millions

If you haven't seen the highlights of the Coretta Scott King funeral, get it before the data sweep, at crooks and liars dot com.

Here's the video

that wouldn't be a lie, would it?

Abramoff says he met Bush "almost a dozen" times - Yahoo! News

Hmm. Seems I remember Bush was involved in this q and a:

Q: What do you hear or your staff hear about releasing of photographs of Jack Abramoff with you, Mr. President? If you say you don't fear anything, tell us why you won't release them?

THE PRESIDENT: She's asking about a person who admitted to wrongdoing and who needs to be prosecuted for that. There is a serious investigation going on, as there should be. The American people have got to have confidence in the -- in the ethics of all branches of government. You're asking about pictures -- I had my picture taken with him, evidently. I've had my picture taken with a lot of people. Having my picture taken with someone doesn't mean that I'm a friend with them or know them very well. I've had my picture taken with you -- (laughter) -- at holiday parties.


Put in your zip code and see home values on a google map.


Wanna laugh your ass off? Then read this "best of" collection of hate mail sent by Frey's fans to the exile's Dr. Dolan because he had the nerve to call Frey a liar...
eXile - Issue #230 - Frey Hate Mail: A Million Little Suckers


madonna is disgusting

Madonna performs with dancers during the opening number at the 48th annual Grammy Awards in Los Angeles February 8, 2006

US plans massive data sweep | csmonitor.com: "Little-known data-collection system could troll news, blogs, even e-mails. Will it go too far?"

That's a rhetorical question if I've ever heard one. I hope Gonzales is ready to slap cuffs on half the country, because his boss is a lying cunt and everybody who knows it is going to be on a list after this.

Sometimes I read a news story and I get the feeling I got when the Challenger exploded, like this is actually something serious happening. And I get that feeling now, like this is the time when the government will officially take over everything.

Cheers to the republicans, the party of small government and the guardians of freedom. You thieves, you shysters. It isn't fair that you were/are too patriotized/branded to sense the calamitous loss our country has experienced at the hands of these transparent, spineless, war-mongering, national-equity-liquidating boosterists. You should be ashamed. And not having the decency to feel shame for wanton ignorance of this magnitude, is really the lowest possible insult in and of itself.

If you have the time, sink in to
a softer world

/repost from way back

Pictures of the ocean, with guys riding on it.
Mavericks Big Wave Surfing Contest 2006 Photo Gallery by Art at pbase.com

The Mohammed cartoon has crossed the postmodern finish line!

Mohammed Dance


Marlon Smith, "The High Tech Motivator", gave a presentation at my school Tuesday. Sadly, I didn't get to stay for the entire electrifying experience, as I had to get back to watch class.

I was there for the first twenty minutes, though, where I learned that fear is what holds people back. "High tech" also made me high five the lady sitting next to me and tell her she had the right stuff, which may very well be untrue.

Twelve Reasons to Schedule Marlon for a Presentation

Mimi Smartypants points us to a guy she says reads kind of like David Letterman on Percodan: Your Produce Man - Produce News
I can't figure out for sure if the hilarity is intentional, but I'm leaning toward no.

Dear the makers of olives,

I find fault with your chosen method of wording. I was looking for olives without the pits in them today and kept finding the word "pitted" on the package. Does that mean they have the pits in them, or that the pits have been removed? To make matters worse, the mental exercise of reversing the term to try to understand what the case is not, doesn't help either: "unpitted". See? Even "nonpitted" is of no help. "Non-unpitted" is every bit as useful as "pitted", and that is stupid and should be addressed.

After finally giving up and buying the things, I made the exciting discovery that "pitted" means there aren't any pits in the olives. It gave me an idea. I recommend you try the word "pitless" instead of "pitted", as it would remove all doubt and meets the requirement that the packaging not be too wordy.


Boing Boing: Things I Learn From My Patients: real-world ER humor: "If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first… and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina…."

I like the shows "dog: bounty hunter" if it's on, "stump the schwab", and "the office". I think the rest of tv is shit.

To demonstrate. Guess the networks.

1. "A better question might be, when are we?"
2. "I'm not letting you go, Lisa! Not ever!"
3. "According to three-time champion Melba Wilson, this is one dessert that will definitely earn you some brownie points!"
4. "I-ight i-ight i-ight, we up in this wit numba FO! Comin' from DEEtroit"
5. "I'm in a same sex marriage. My wife and I got married seven years ago and it's been the same sex ever since."
6. "If he was going to die. If he was going to come into my heart and live forever, I was not going to have a mediocre Christianity.
7. "A time lapse movie is made that covers ten Jovian days."


Properly Chilled - Downtempo Music & Culture

bad guy loses

George C. Deutsch, who limited reporters' access to a top climate scientist, did not have the college degree listed on his résumé.
-New York Times


People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
- Bill Watterson

flash earth

Go for it!
- Rocco

Leave a Message in the Anonymous Muslim Man Complaint Box:
Something Awful

Try to imagine the processor power it took to create these animations of ice melting, or as this guy calls it, a Lagrangian vortex particle method hybridized with an Eulerian grid based solver:

Ron Fedkiw


The whole world doesn't look like a strip mall! Yet!

BBC NEWS | Science/Nature | New species found in Papua 'Eden'


An group project, Ex Girlfriend Pictures.
By the look of it, some of these can't have been easy break-ups. We're talking, baby, please don't leave here.

not safe for work

If for some reason you want to look at drunk girl nipple slips, here's that. I, like Billy Madison, sometimes have a thing for drunk chicks.

I have made an art form of forgetting to tell people that the Switzerland trip later this month is now going to be known as the Mexico trip. This is because instead of going to Switzerland, we are going to Mexico. Another significant change is that instead of the watchmaking class going, it will only be my wife and I.

It hardly needs to be said that whatever time we don't spend hiking the ancient ruins decoding ancient petroglyphs, or drunkenly decoding poorly phrased drink menus, will be spent touring Mexico's many modern watch factories.

You'll know when I'm gone because this page will be the same for several days. Maybe I'll get a guest blogger.

To prepare my hepatic system for the upcoming tequila adventure, the illustrious freebooter and I will be taking to the streets of Saint Paul tonight, where we will watch the hockey team from our area beat the hockey team from Los Angeles. To catch up with us later, call or email. But please do it early; we're very popular and may wind up at the triple rock watching gutterpunks do body shots. I understand it's how they bathe.



Iran to publish Holocaust cartoons - Breaking news - Breaking News 24/7 - NEWS.com.au

village voice > news > by Tom Tomorrow


We are all Danes now - The Boston Globe

Funnier than me, it's the Danish cartoon fiasco covered at Fafblog!

Where the question is asked,
"What if it's not really a picture of Mohammed," says me, "just a picture of a picture of Mohammed?"
"Metablasphemy!" says Giblets. "It is sacrilegious and pretentious!"

Super Bowl XL Commercials on Google Video

J and I say magic fridge was the best and brown and bubbly was the worst. It sickens and disgusts me that that much money could be spent on something that stupid.


I proudly present... the winner!

A Lebanese Islamist demonstrator flashes a victory sign after setting fire to the Danish consulate in Beirut February 5, 2006.

Our right wing pals concocted this really useful, intelligent cartoon to help us understand the political situation:

By my calculations you could move any of those three terms to any position and it would still be stupid; liberals would still suck, and Uncle Sam, the poor guy, would still have a gun in his mouth. Great cartoon!

George Deutsch, a presidential appointee in NASA headquarters, told a Web designer working for the agency to add the word “theory” after every mention of the Big Bang.

Who's George Deutsch, you ask? A twenty four year old fucking crony, of course!

Administration official: “Big Bang” is just a theory | Cosmic Variance

We should make little signs and hand them out wherever Republicans gather that say "religion good! science bad!"

Pathetic creationists won't just give up:
Eden and Evolution

FYI: you can't have creation without cretin.

interview with a Muslim

dfa: I'd like to welcome Abdul. Abdul, welcome.

Abdul: [says something in Arabic, probably "thanks for having me"]

dfa: I wonder if you'd like to comment on the flap over a Danish cartoon representing the prophet Muhammad with a bomb on his head.

Abdul: [smiles, says something else in Arabic]

dfa: What if somebody draws a picture of the prophet Muhammad engaging in autofellatio? Does that mean you have to kill them? Bear in mind, they're obviously only doing it to get a rise out of you.

Abdul: [still smiling, clearly not understanding a word I just said, says a few words casually, as if to say "Yes, it's great to be here." or "Thanks, my flight was just fine."]

dfa: That's very interesting. Well, Abdul, here's a cartoon of your guy Muhammad sucking his own dick while getting fucked in the ass by Jesus, who's holding an American flag in one hand and is strangling a woman in a burqa with the other.

Abdul: [smiling, glances at paper, tosses lightly on desk, says something in Arabic, probably something like "Do not show me gay porn. I am a real man." Smiles again, relaxes.]

dfa: No, see the writing? Look close. Right there, see? It's Muhammad. Mu-ham-mad. There. See? [Points at paper.]

Abdul: [very excited shouted something in Arabic, terminating in "Allah"]

[building explodes]

"If you think the color blue smells like hot dogs... you might be a redneck with synesthesia! "

- Jeff Foxworthy

A little about F. P. Journe, one of my favorite watchmakers. He invented some stuff I don't have time to go into right now.

Precious time

state of the blog address

Thank you. [waves, nods]

I'd like to thank all of you for coming.

Tonight the state of the blog is strong -- and together we will make it stronger.

With balanced new initiatives we will fight the enemies of freedom... and opportunity.

Every time some strange picture appears on the Yahoo most emailed page, I will link to it lightning fast, before someone more capable can do something funnier. Asian girls will have weirdoes obsessed with doing perverted things to their buttholes, even drawing cartoons of monsters doing weird things to their buttholes, and when they do I will be posting links to it. When a politician gets busted for doing really illegal things, I'll be there like stink on rice. And every time I think something is worth writing down, no matter how dull, I'll be rattling away at my keyboard in a catatonic freak-out.

Success will not be denied. Our neighbors in the blogosphere have renewed their commitment to pointless entertainment, and to the advance of filling up the universe with metadata so highly specialized and context-dependent it is almost totally incomprehensible.

[pauses, waits for applause, waves]

It is this blog's solemn duty to reject the false comfort of isolationism, and link to every piece of shit website I can possibly find.

Thank you and good night.

print at work

The End of the Internet?

Tim Wise: Racism, Neo-Confederacy and the Raising of Historical Illiterates

Guardian Unlimited | Ben Goldacre: How I stalked my girlfriend

(using this): Trace A Mobile Official Website - Mobile Phone Tracking, Locate Phones, GSM Tracing

When do we get this?

Four questions for the freeway exit-ramp beggars:

City Pages - On the Corner

'Grandpa Munster' Al Lewis Dies - Yahoo! News


I can't say anough good things about the event my wife and I attended this evening in St. Paul.

We are now huge fans of roller derby.

Minnesota RollerGirls :: All-female, skater-owned roller derby league in the Twin Cities

Tonight's event was called Hell's Belles, and it was above and beyond. These girls go all out. It's like seeing all the girls from the drunken bike tour roller skating around fighting each other. I think some of them are the same girls, actually. The whole scene is very similar. PBR is a sponsor, which I would love except for the inflated price of tall boys. They shouldn't cost more then three bucks each, guys, or it loses its punk rock appeal.

First the Atomic Bombshells played the Garda belts. That was a great contest, if you like seeing one team kick another team's ass brutally. The second match was much more even, with a final score of 49-50 between the Dagger Dolls and the Rockits.

My friend buzzkill, I mean John, wanted to leave, so we took off at intermission, before the teams played the other winner and loser.

This event felt like home. The sponsorship by the current, without question Minnesota's best radio station, was one source of comfort, but the people that came to this thing were the kind of people you like to see. Nonconformity reigned at Roy Wilkins auditorium. It was nice to see people doing their own thing all over the place. I didn't see a lot of the bleach blondes you see at the Cheesecake Factory or Chang O'Hara's in Edina. Any, actually. Yay.

Next door at the Excel energy center, one of those new arenas built so steeply that looking down induces vertigo, it was rodeo night. Never have I seen so much Marlboro clothing in one place. Rodeo attendees love being had by tobacco companies. Smoking gives them a lovely feeling of belonging. Yee haw, guys! I know the guys who'll be making your chemotherapy! They're assholes and they don't care if you die. Not that it matters.

So check out roller derby if you can. There is a refreshing vitality at work there.

Am I the only one who thinks this is hilarious?
Syrians Torch Embassies Over Caricatures - Yahoo! News

everybody's a sociologist

I was hunting down some Cipro 750s and thinking about a comment I had made earlier to a guy about not believing in hell when I had what might be my best idea of the day, which was this:

I don't believe in hell, but I once did. I therefore thought that there were some people who deserved to be in hell, in order for there to be a hell for them to be in. I thought they deserved to be in hell for being homosexual, for killing people, for stealing stuff, for saying words when they prayed other than words that sound like "JESUS". Then I got my own identity worked out and everything was much, much better.

Anyway, the engine that makes the concept "hell" work, is the concept of "deserving". In order to believe in hell, one must believe that there are things that people can do that can't be forgiven.

It is required that people who believe in hell always have to be angry, in order to believe it exists.

The last time I checked, "family values" was code language for a righteous indignation fueled by sheer hatred. So in a nutshell, I think I've identified at least a good part of where the odious flavor of right wing nasty comes from.

The same people that value forgiveness as the great christian virtue will not necessarily be the ones that are addicted to the negative cycles of shame and guilt and avoiding the raging inferno, wherever it is. The stupid people are the "hell" ones. What I mean to say is if you're a forgiveness christian, not a hell one, I am more amenable to your presence than I was before I reached for the Cipro 750s. Of these two forms of christians, the hate-mongers have clearly gained the upper hand culturally. It's all a part of the Bush-following church-state war-loving hegemony that's going on right now.

The belief in hell is the stubborn worship of one's own existing biases. It's the worship of pain and suffering. It's I'm-good-and-you-suck worship.

Christianity never saw a pagan ritual it couldn't co-opt and improve, and hell is no different than a hex or curse you throw on someone under your breath when they, say, cut you off on the highway. (The victims of my curses happen to be driving Pontiacs a lot of the time). But the hell-believers aren't hoping your corn won't grow this season, it's an eternity of your excruciating pain they're really hoping for.

The sense of self-importance that comes along with hell is fundamentally incompatible with the resolution to do anything but destroy otherness. A singularity of purpose, while perhaps very useful in polarizing a populace against enemy invaders, is diametrically opposed to the idea of consideration.

Family values my ass.

I'm just really pretty surprised I'd never thought this, or even read it, in these terms before. Personal aside: this is about as close as I get to being happy, in some ways. Something fuzzy has come into focus.

It's crucial that the threat of hell exist, of course, to skip that discussion later. Otherwise, without a claim to total and sole relevance, the lessons of Christ become just another competing philosophy, and in many ways, an inferior one.


we gets email!

Nacho writes:


Smart guy, but I found that some of his work was a little derivative.
He came up with this: http://physics.syr.edu/courses/mirror/biomorph/ (scroll down the page to start the game)
Which is really cool and all, but is rather pedestrian, when compared with this:http://www.bitstorm.org/gameoflife/
You had a thing on it on your blog a while back, and I read it, but I didn't wrap my brain around how well it illustrates what emergent behavior looks like until I sat at work playing it for three hours. The guy who came up with it is a genius named John Conway. He has some great math lectures here: http://www.math.princeton.edu/facultypapers/Conway/ I realize you might not have time for this, but how often do you find a super duper genius giving lectures on MC Escher?
Then when you're through making your brain bigger play with this: http://redruth.greenbean.org/~ben/4CR/smb_super_synth.swf

Thanks! In the highly unlikely event I get a free moment this weekend I'll look at these.

Hotmail is annoying. Java here, java there, password won't save, won't open anything in tabs, it's stupid. Is there any way to export the contact info as a block to gmail or yahoo or anywhere?

Dressing in drag and trying to suck dick, some guy got arrested. Turns out he's the guy who directed the movie XXX: state of the union, which is the worst movie I have ever seen by far. I for one am glad this man is off the streets.
Tamahori arrested in prostitution sting


print at work

Paul Tillich -- The Courage To Be: "There are no valid arguments for the existence of God, but there are acts of courage in which we affirm the power of being, whether we know it or not."

Marburg Journal of Religion (December 1999) Elliot Harvey Shaw

listen to:NPR : Honky Tonks, Hymns and the Blues, about the roots of country music


Bwired.nl - Home automation in the Netherlands

YouTube - Brokeback to the Future


onegoodmove: Olbermann Skewers O'Reilly, Again

you don't say

KR Washington Bureau | 02/01/2006 | Administration backs off Bush's vow to reduce Mideast oil imports

Why does that lying sack of dogshit even try, you ask?
Because my dad thinks he's great, that's why.


Sorry, dudes, this is going to be a pretty boring post.

The chick from black eyed peas' hat has been a big hit among the female students of my school. Like the one in this picture. These hats are stupid and should be removed.

There is writing on the mirror in my bathroom reads: "TODAY IS NOT GOING TO SUCK". "Not" is underlined. I put it there this morning. So far it has worked.

A guy in the computer fixing department has a hideous underbite. I hope he never finds out someone thought it was worth mentioning on their blog, but if he had it corrected, less people would have to look twice to see if he is retarded.

In the lunch room someone thought it would be a great idea to have karaoke during lunch, so of course we got a guy singing "I've got friends in low places". You could tell he thought it would be fun till about two bars after he started, and for the rest of the song he sang in about two notes, and a conspicuous absence of the intended amount of fun hung heavy in the air. The Somali girls next to me were studying biology so I listened in and learned nothing.

We are adjusting escapements at school, moving pallet stones hundredths of millimeters with special tools that you move pallet stones hundredths of millimeters with. What they've done to us so far: moved the stones in and out, moved the banking pins all over the place, moved the guard pin around, and screwed with the endshakes. Everything but taking off the roller and putting it on upside down or facing backwards. Which may happen, for all I know. The exam is next Thursday. Wednesday we have off, so I'm looking at Tuesday as a night to stay up late and eat too much ice cream.

The eight checks of the escapement, in case you're wondering, are

1) endshakes
2) vertical divisions
3)fork bisected by impluse pin at dead point, snug but moveable
4)horn clearance, 6 pos.
5)guard pin clearance, 4 pos.
6)the teeth of the escape wheel hit the locking surfaces of the pallet stones, not the impulse planes
7) the separation between locking points is even on both stones after let-off, at the other side's moment of drop
8) the run to banking is even on both sides and comprises the majority of total lock, and is less than guard pin clearance

other checks that come in terribly handy are 1) making sure the teeth are halfway across the impulse planes at the dead point and 2) letting the balance oscillate without the fork in place, to see if it's got a low enough amount of friction.

I learned what a moment of inertia is yesterday.

things which in the past I have not given

a darn
a dang
a damn
a flip
a hoot
a rat's ass
a dingo's kidney
a fuck
a flying fuck
a shit
a fucking shit
a shitter's fuck
a dollar (to the drunk bum by the highway)
a rodent's ringpiece
a good god damn
a crap
a hang
a @#$%
a rip
a wet slap

There's something about these cheering women being surrounded by boxes and boxes of Vaeline that I didn't expect to be so pleased by.

Groundhog Day on Yahoo! News Photos

school is dumb

We have a lot more things to know this year, and what with the upcoming AWI certified watchmaker exam in July, it's for the best we get crack-a-lackin' now. A bit of pain signals this shift in how we do things. Last year was like a big party; we made watches and the pace of life was slow and smooth. Now, we have to learn things according not to how they work, but to the Swiss. Let me explain.

There are some things that have to happen in a swiss lever escapement for it to function correctly.

Like when the pallet fork swings all the way to the banking to allow the balance to oscillate, that's the run to banking. Run to banking. Sounds like a verb, right? But translated from the French by a poor English speaker, that becomes a noun, describing an angle. Not too tough, but when there are more of them, like draw and recoil, that do the same thing, one gets rankled.

One is required not to explain a thing's function so that someone could understand it as if one were teaching it, but to regurgitate words that make comparatively little sense in explaining a thing and how it functions. We basically have to spit up the bad French-to-English crap that is a poor simulacrum of the actual reality of the thing and how it functions. If you read my answers to the questions of what draw and run to banking are, and compare them to what I was eventually required to (reluctantly) put down, there isn't one way their answers are better. Pff.

So there's that. We got our first actual nice watches to work on the other day, Rolex 1575s. The finish is better on them than what we've had so far, though there are little devices that make them more challenging. There are stout little clips that hold cap jewels in place that like to be touched just so and only just so, but they're well built enough that you're glad the wheels aren't going to wobble all over the place when you put it back together. I'm going to toss mine in the cleaner when I get in today. There's been some monkeying about with the cleaning solutions and I want to figure out what's what.

Not that I don't like going. It's better than the pharmacy. The power went out at the hospital once when I was there for about ten seconds before the generators kicked in. It was a huge pain and all the computers died, which was a hoot later, but for that short interval deep in the catacombs under the hospital (which is where the pharmacy is) there was that refreshing darkness and silence. Did you ever read the childrens' book "the stupids die"? It was kind of like that.


Overheard in New York: The Voice of the City:
"Girl: I was so wasted last night. I think I gave a blowjob to a hobo in the park.

--St. Marks & 2nd"

Calendar of US Military Dead during Iraq War

This photograph,taken on May 2, 2003, marks the end of major combat operations. According to Rush Limbaugh, therefore, the mission was accomplished. Makes sense if you say the words with your mouth. The numbers tell a different story.

What will it take for George W. Bush and Dick Cheney to be held responsible for a multitude of political crimes, recklessness, prevarications and just plain massive ongoing mismanagement of the taxpayers government?

Ralph Nader: the Impeachable Mr. Bush

Are We There Yet?

Stew Albert: Fascism in America


Kim Taylors Gallery


Automatic music from Tim Blackwell