Double Flee A: November 2006

I've been active at wordie today. I'm trying to think of words that are better than average. Here's my account. At 287 I'd done all I could for one day.

Colleen has been more active, cranking out in excess of 400 words today. She has more, but my words are much better than hers. Apple? Weak.

Is anything cooler than abandoned missile silos?

It'll probably never amount to anything, but go list some of your favorite words at wordie if you have time.

I can't bring myself to read this right now as it is so limpidly predicated on an incontestably tendentious premise, but maybe I will later, why are atheists so angry?

The final exam is a week and a half away, and am I ready to get it over-with. Let me answer that. Yes. From now till them it's only a matter of getting faster; I've done these three watches till I could do them in my sleep: the Lemania 1873 (which has a few differences from the Omega 861), the ETA 2824 (2892s are on backorder till January of '08, which I love), and what collection would be complete without the 955. Again. At some point I think you start to get worse from over-preparation, but I can't say for sure when it's happening, only when it already has. It happened when we made stems last year and I'm sure I'm somewhere on that same trajectory now. Not worth worrying about, but still, something.

My "xxx xxxxxxx is a man" campaign was a rousing success; wait. I have to explain.

The CFO of my school, one (female, I think) xxx xxxxxxx, once unethically fined me ten bucks over a parking dispute. Thing is, I already had a parking permit, but the parking attendant didn't see it. Why should I have to pay twice? When I took the ticket in to argue against it, Mr. xxxxxxx told me she'd reduce the price to ten from twenty but not get rid of it entirely. I made the point (to no avail) that you can either charge me the whole twenty or kill the ticket; making me pay ten is admitting I didn't do anything wrong and then charging me anyway. She said there are administrative costs that have to be paid for the ticket and so on. I bristled at this vile rhetoric and told her it was totally unethical, which she gleamed evilly at. I paid; if not I can never graduate.

I am not a forgiving person. So I let some months pass and went on a terroristic spree in which I referred to Mr. xxxxxxx as a man and a lumberjack who will chop your wood free on Wednesdays. Panic spread throughout the offices and people were brought in for questioning. Really. These words were said, as a flyer I made was held up: "Do you know anything about this?" How elementary.

The reaction was so primitive that I suspect my school (a school in name only, in some ways) has apparently never been host to a prank of any kind. The pot was stirred, people freaked, and I got my ten bucks' worth. Some day soon after I graduate I'll be sending an email to the gentleman in question and telling him she's an asshole who had it coming and why.

The math is simple: it's hard to let some things go, like when you are treated like a child who can't do anything about getting fucked over, so I don't.

Here's a dog doing something I can sympathize with:

catch phrases

Catch phrases aren't funny if you see them written down. They're only funny if you hear them. I wish they were funny written down, because then I could say the same shit all the time and it would stay funny. Catch phrases are no work, big yuks.

"Don't get any on you!" if said right, might be a decent catch phrase. But nothing, not even "Dy-no-MITE!", (most holy is its name), stands up to being written down. Furthermore, if you go around analyzing the world through your reading glasses, no catch phrase can ever cut it spoken, either.

a jedi needs not this blog

Get ready, everyone, for a heapin' helpin' of the snap, flash, and pizazz that makes me the greatest living blogger. And by get ready, I mean just keep reading, please. If you don't I'll be forced to keep on doing it anyway.

The local scene is in the news again.

If you're getting sued by zombies, you might be the Minneapolis Police Department.

If you blow stuff up because you don't know what it is, the first thing you should do is know what lots of stuff is. Not so at our airport. Thanks, overzealous TSA.

Not to say those guys don't do some things right. When they threw those six chanting imams off the plane here last week it was the right thing to do. An email from Chuck Taylor, gun badass, cleared up for me. If you and I can't even yell Hi! across the terminal when we see a friend, how is it that those dressed in the traditional outfits of people who blow shit up are shocked when they aren't allowed to chant about Allah on the plane? In this country you don't shit in your bed, sleep while you're driving a car, or chant Allah on a plane. It's not exactly religious persecution.

This is an old cartoon called Buried Treasure which dates from 1924. It's not safe for work, is sexual in nature, and is about, among other things, a dude with a boner.

It's a good day when Thor does your dishes. Best post in a while at WFMU.

Tavin Dillard is a youtube person who does a rednecky character for fun. He's not trying to do a poor man's larry the cable guy (larry the cable guy is the poor man's larry the cable guy), so just like everyone who isn't either larry the cable guy or imitating larry the cable guy, he succeeds in being funnier than larry the cable guy by default.

And here's "a little something." I'll leave it at that.

It's not like I don't wish god was real, y'all.

Really, it would be nice if we could corner god and force its magicfulness to tell us why all the children with cancer, where we left our keys, and why it hasn't killed TV preacher Benny Hinn, who's trying to get people to buy him a plane.

Here's the logo for "dove one":

You know what? He's going to end up with this plane. Because not only is there no god, but there is also no justice in this world.

Great! A disposable email site for your secretive lifestyle. 10 minute mail

If you said this lately:
“There’s class warfare, all right, but it’s my class, the rich class, that’s making war, and we’re winning.”
You might be Warren Buffett.

If you ever wondered where all the confiscated airport stuff goes, this guy is selling it on ebay.

13 things that do not make sense, New Scientist

Bush's presidential library

Here are my top picks for what books will be in this oxymoronic facility.

My pet goat
Slander, Treason, and Godless, all by Ann Coulter
See, I told you so, Rush Limbaugh
Let Freedom Ring : Winning the War of Liberty over Liberalism, Sean Hannity
The way things ought to be, Rush Limbaugh
How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must): The World According to Ann Coulter, Ann Coulter
Deliver Us from Evil: Defeating Terrorism, Despotism, and Liberalism, Sean Hannity
Culture Warrior, Bill O'Reilly

Bush's $500 Million Library: Shouldn't We Know Who His "Megadonors" Are?

If you were wondering where you could go to generate yourself a great warning label, it's at the warning label generator!

Someone did this three years ago but you used to have to log in to use it. I remember it being mid-to-late 2003, and it was hosted by some university. It was better than this one, actually. And yeah, I'm too lazy to look it up.

The vintage ads to end all vintage ads, subject, drugs

love/hate

Love.
This post from Beirut.

Hate.
What people have done with the word impact. Sparing you my usual quotidian explosion, I let my fingers do the walking.

From The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition, 2000:

The use of impact as a verb meaning “to have an effect” often has a big impact on readers. Eighty-four percent of the Usage Panel disapproves of the construction to impact on, as in the phrase social pathologies, common to the inner city, that impact heavily on such a community; fully 95 percent disapproves of the use of impact as a transitive verb in the sentence Companies have used disposable techniques that have a potential for impacting our health. •It is unclear why this usage provokes such a strong response, but it cannot be because of novelty. Impact has been used as a verb since 1601, when it meant “to fix or pack in,” and its modern, figurative use dates from 1935. It may be that its frequent appearance in the jargon-riddled remarks of politicians, military officials, and financial analysts continues to make people suspicious. Nevertheless, the verbal use of impact has become so common in the working language of corporations and institutions that many speakers have begun to regard it as standard. It seems likely, then, that the verb will eventually become as unobjectionable as contact is now, since it will no longer betray any particular pretentiousness on the part of those who use it.

You're seeing it happen: apathy and acquiescence, this is how lies become the truth. It all starts and ends with language.

This aired on BBC. They put cameras all over and inside people and then those people had sex so that it could be explained in an educational way. Not safe for the land of the free.

I share the sentiments of a metafilter user:

Just think of the outrage if CPB or whatever tried to use people's tax monies for this 'filth'.

We're such a nation of 3 year olds.

Crazy people make websites! see the peacock.

who needs a scandal

When there are facts like these.

Glaxo memos find their way to the WAPO.
the critical excerpt:

The defeat of Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) "creates a big hole we will need to fill," the e-mail says. Sen.-elect Jon Tester (D-Mont.) "is expected to be a problem," it says, and the elevation to the Senate of Rep. Sherrod Brown (D-Ohio) "will strengthen his ability to challenge us."

Remember, you're supposed to be heartbroken the GOP lost rubber stamp power.

This one's even better, if goodness can be said to exist at all.

Doctor (of nothing) James Dobson spoke to Larry King about his buddy pastor Ted. Don't become friends with this guy and expect loyalty.

See if your ultra-sharp critical faculties can determine the most ridiculous part of their exchange:

KING: How's he doing?
DOBSON: I don't know. I haven't talked to him since it happened.

KING: Oh you haven't?

DOBSON: I talked to him the day that the news broke and I have not talked to him since then.

Later on in the segment he tries to define what causes homosexuality to Larry King. He says his opinion is a wee bit controversial, but I say it's bat shit crazy. And this ladies and gentlemen—is a leader of the Christian world.

KING: Was he sad that day?

DOBSON: Oh, of course. I mean you can imagine he was shocked, he was numb, he even lied about it. There's a video of him saying that none of these things are true, but they were true or a least some of them were

KING: When you say, Doctor, when you say "restoration" you mean restore him from being gay to not gay or what do you mean?

DOBSON: Yeah, probably that, too. But in Galatians 6.1, there is a scripture that says when — "Brothers when one of you falls into sin, those who are spiritual should work to restore him gently." That is the scripture behind the restoration process and that word, and three men, now will oversee discipline punishment — if there is any, therapy, his behavior, his money, his future and will lead him if he is willing to cooperate, and apparently he is — through a restoration process. We don't want to just kick him out, I mean, he's lost his church, obviously, but there's still concern for him as an individual.
KING: We discussed this before in the past, but not recently: Do you still believe that being gay is a choice rather than a given?

DOBSON: I never did believe that.

KING: Oh, you don't believe it.

DOBSON: I don't believe that. Neither do I believe it's genetic. I said that…

KING: Then what is it?

DOBSON: I said that on your program one time and both of us got a lot of mail for it. I don't blame homosexuals for being angry when people say they've made a choice to be gay because they don't.

It usually comes out of very, very early childhood, and this is very controversial, but this is what I believe and many other people believe, that is has to do with an identity crisis that occurs to early to remember it, where a boy is born with an attachment to his mother and she is everything to him for about 18 months, and between 18 months and five years, he needs to detach from her and to reattach to his father.

It's a very important developmental task and if his dad is gone or abusive or disinterested or maybe there's just not a good fit there. What's he going to do? He remains bonded to his mother and…

KING: Is that clinically true or is that theory?

DOBSON: No, it's clinically true, but it's controversial. What homosexual activists, especially, would like everybody to believe is that it is genetic, that they don't have any choice. If it were genetic, Larry — and before we went on this show, you and I were talking about twin studies — if it were genetic, identical twins would all have it. Identical twins, if you have a homosexuality in one twin, it would be there in the other.

KING: Right.
DOBSON: So, it can't be simply genetic. I do believe that there are temperaments that individuals are born with that make them more vulnerable and maybe more likely to move in that direction, but it usually is related to a sexual identity crisis.

KING: My guest, Dr. James Dobson, always great to have him with us. By the way, his book came out last year, "Family Man: The Biography of Dr. James Dobson," still available anywhere books are sold.

video of Dobson and King.

Giant breasts. Not safe for work computer generated foolishness.

I have learned that there are many kinds of tragedies. One of them as it turns out, is reserved for one man alone, and that man is David Blaine. And in his case the sadness is because he won't just FUCKING DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!

The obligatory afterthought: I'd like to include Dane Cook in this category. Die, Dane Cook!

After repeatedly experiencing the effects of the institutionalized assumption that adult males = evil pedophiles, one man asks "Come off it, folks, how many paedophiles can there be?"

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

"the government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion…."
- George Washinton, Treaty with Tripoli, 1797, approved unanimously by the Senate

"This just in" is planned to be a neoconservative version of the daily show, an attempt at political satire for those who don't appreciate seeing the Bush administration dragged through the mud by the likes of the daily show. I'm looking forward to seeing what they come up with, and I want to be surprised, because I'm really expecting it to suck.

Here's why.

variety

An interesting way of arranging visual data and also beautiful photographs: check out these little planets.

happy turkey day

It's that time of year when we celebrate the things we're thankful for. Here are some of mine:

-- I'm not sicker than I am, and that my wife, who (I'm pretty sure) gave me this disease, is feeling better.
-- The desk where I sit as I write this is about ten steps from the bathroom, just in case I explode.
-- Since I had to cancel my thanksgiving dinner plans due to the possibility of contagion, I live in a good enough neighborhood that I can walk to a sandwich place if I am hungry later. Which I hope to be.
-- I care whether other people get sick.
-- I'm not in Guantanamo bay.
-- I don't know anyone with cancer that I know of. And if you've got cancer and I forgot, sorry about that.
-- Of the many people I see each day on the street, none have mugged or robbed me.
-- The black guy on the phone commercial who goes around some city asking strangers if they like Fergie and might want to listen to her on his cell phone is so extremely lame that he can only exist on television.
-- I'm not in Iraq.
-- I can put a glock together without instructions.
-- It looks like I might pass the WOSTEP exam next month. Not to get my expectations too high.
-- The timeless appeal of the booty dance.

drool

I got passed by one of these today on the highway.

These two people are pretty sick. Don't watch them talk about what they like. It's not safe for work or people who don't like having sex with horses. It will put a frown on your face. via somethingawful.

Which bush sucks more? /ward sutton

Homosexuality isn't against nature, if you consult nature and not a right-wing blowhard know-nothing bozo jackass. 1500 species, Olso, Norway, museum

See how saturated your mind is with images, by finding out how many of these famous photographs you recognize. I didn't do as well as I thought I would.

Fill your noggin with pop trash from eastasia. Forbidden transmission. It's strange.

wikipedia brown

when Jack Chick meets Stan Lee, everybody wins.

graphic artists against prostitution:

Lack of freedom is not intrinsic with prostitution,but is a function of abuse,poverty,bad working conditions,inexperience,and/or desperation. It is therefore indispensable to consider first of all, women and minors as human beings,and as such,individuals with rights (aside from their conditions,legal status,and more or less coerced prostitution activity).

It's nice when the state of everything makes perfect sense, but it makes you sound like a pig-headed asshole.

“If you mean, by ‘military victory,’ an Iraqi government that can be established and whose writ runs across the whole country, that gets the civil war under control and sectarian violence under control in a time period that the political processes of the democracies will support, I don’t believe that is possible,” Mr. Kissinger said. more

Why I Am Hostile Toward Religion, Richard Dawkins

If you like money, you'll want to read why the housing market may be due for a shake-up.

3 good things

A short history of drywall

Jesus Tweak! Forget the gay hooker; was Pastor Ted a full-on tweaker?

How To Win In Iraq, war nerd

No matter what it tastes like, vomit is always stomach-flavored.

A suicide bomber has blown himself among a crowd of labourers looking for work in the Iraqi town of Hilla, killing at least 22 people.

Another 44 people were injured in the attack in the mainly Shia Muslim town.

/story

If any of the survivors is a doctor there's plenty of work for him now. Some people see amputations as sad, but they're really opportunities! Man is Iraq going great or what?

other religions worship demonic powers

Thanks for the telling it like it is, Pat Robertson.

We salute you.

notes from our amazing world

News used to be, or so I like to think, about presenting facts. Now news, and this I'm sure of, is about opinions. Attitudes. Personalities. Even still, this presentation of reality, which is no more than an accepted way of getting around the facts, is still "news". Why does this qualify?

That pundits like Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, and Sean Hannity don't present facts is beneath debate. These men contravene facts. If you like them, if you get where they're coming from, they take care of your beliefs for you. They're the custodians of the faithful and weak-minded.

It would take an encyclopedic history of what's what in the media to understand exactly what it was that took place to bring things to the sorry state they find themselves in today, so instead of trying to prove how it happened, my inquiry is pointed in a direction where it can develop. How is it that this is tolerated?

It doesn't say a lot for the state of thought in modern America that this accumulation of obnoxious, megalomaniacal shits is what the market of popular consciousness will bear. It does say a lot, though, for the kinds of animals we are.

The combative verbal style preferred by these people is nothing if not a means to dominate. I propose that they owe their fortunes to that humans want to associate themselves with the power that issues from them and by extension their message. This of course is because all humans are descended from apes, which is where they got not only most of their DNA, but a lot of their behavior as well.

Millions of beta males across the fruited plain want to experience the sense of social safety that comes from sidling up next to the alpha. You sure as hell don't get that good, safe, validated, superior feeling from finding out the president fucked over at least three generations of Americans by leading them into war for no reason. And like I emailed dog the bounty hunter, if there's something worse that a president can do, I'd like to hear what it is.

That's how I explain the rise of the pundit in the modern media. Leveraging a very simple technology, feelings, with very simple methods -- among them, interruption, framing questions, changing the subject, and attacking people for a lack of patriotism. It's dumb, I can't bear to witness it, and it's been wildly popular for years now.

It's important to understand these legions of betas have what to the rest of us are incomprehensibly deep personal investments in their (wrong) beliefs. It isn't that their actual beliefs are deeper, it just hurts them on a different level if they turn out to be mistaken. Ironically, this is a statistical certainty, because their beliefs are usually pegged to nonsense.

So we get a sizable portion of the country in a perpetual state of denial. I was just thinking about it is all.

I don't want to denigrate people who like country music. And if you like country music, denigrate means put down.

-Bob Newhart

MORAL or IMMORAL!?

***This is how we might get you in trouble if you're at work right now. Proceed cautiously.***

source material
/pinups
/girls with books
/the really weird ones

game

see if you can spot the bad words!

1. narger
2. nooger
3. nilger
4. niggard
5. nigger
6. bertfact
7. bustfulk
8. buttfuck
9. meatpole
10. meatloaf
11. carp
12. curd
13. cunph
14. cunt
15. biscuit
16. burger
17. fur buger

(the answers later!)

You want deplorable empty rhetoric? This is what I'm talking about when I say "bullshit that means nothing." I found this laying around the net, it's a clip of people arguing about politics on Hannity and Colmes. This clip is of some people talking about Nancy Pelosi. And now I've uploaded it so you can cherish it as I have. Enjoy the performance of the parrot vaguely resembling a woman.

Watch! Her dodge the question, call it spin, and then do an insane backflip of verbal nonsense!

See! The slogans spill shamelessly out of her mouth!

Cringe! It makes no sense but she's being watched by millions of people who don't notice!

Here

It's videos!

at wfmu

(a guinness ad called evolution)

How to eat fewer pesticides

How to not get the death penalty after raping and killing a 14 year old Iraqi girl

2 funny things

Bandwidth leechers get comeuppance

And here's a fox news internal memo. Click = bigger.

What that says in case you're too lazy to click it is,
"let's be on the lookout for any statements from the Iraqi insurgents, who must be thrilled at the prospect of a dem-controlled congress."

I don't know what you call that, but it's not journalism.

close call!

holy laughter

blame wfmu

Here are some Safe for work naked skateboarding girls, which may begin to make it up to you.

One of my least favorite words is "faves". Some words should not be shortened and favorites is one of them.

I went to see Borat tonight because I was told it was so funny that I would laugh forcefully enough that blood would shoot from my eye sockets. If anyone's ever been to a pentecostal church service, and I have, they'll know where the brink of insanity lies. Sacha Cohen has my highest respect for infiltrating their meeting place.

"I rarely waste time in reading theological subjects... Ridicule is the only weapon that can be used against such unintelligible propositions. Ideas must be distinct before reason can act upon them; and no man ever had a distinct idea of the trinity. It is mere Abracadabra of the mountebanks calling themselves the priests of Jesus. If it could be understood it would not answer their purpose. Their security is in their faculty of shedding darkness, like the scuttle-fish, thro' the element in which they move, and making it impenetrable to the eye of a pursuing enemy, and there they will sulk."
-Thomas Jefferson

ProgrammableWeb
Keeping you up to date with the latest on mashups and the new Web 2.0 APIs

Cookie Disco

40 Things That Only Happen in Movies

How to drink a lot of booze without going down the tubes

Many of the questioners announced themselves as either students or faculty from Liberty, rather than from Randolph Macon which was my host institution. One by one they tried to trip me up, and one by one their failure to do so was applauded by the audience. Finally, I said that my advice to all Liberty students was to resign immediately and apply to a proper university instead. That received thunderous applause, so that I almost began to feel slightly sorry for the Liberty people. Only almost and only slightly, however.

Richard Dawkins is just about my favorite dude.

typical

This is why the republicans lost the house, or at least part of it. People are sick of this kind of foolishness:

Browse all 200,000 of Enron’s internal emails:
Enron Explorer

plug

One of my friends spent his twenties moving up the ladder of kitchens here in Minneapolis, and now he's thirty and has his own restaurant. The last chef he worked for before his promotion to head chef was Philip Dorwart, who's pretty much a local celebrity, meaning famous for being a great chef. Dorwart left Trigg's, then Justin got promoted to chef there, then Justin left too, and now he has his own restaurant in south Minneapolis called bakery on grand. Maybe "the bakery on grand". I don't know. What I DO know, what I will say with absolute certainty and without fear of contradiction, is that if you don't take advantage of my friend's restaurant, you're letting the best dinner in the city pass you by.

It was Thursday night the lovely redhead and I slipped down for a nibble, and as usual he made us a free appetizer. (The whole dinner was gratis, actually, but it was because I overhauled a watch for him, a Christian Bernard with a rather nice 955 with a sub-second, little fifteen jewel job, but I digress.) The last time he gave us our first course we had cheese fondue, and that was truffle-y and winsome, but the one he gave us this time, combined with the rest of dinner, halted the earth's rotation entirely.

Whatever you do, get the scallop ceviche. If it doesn't make you wobble, I'll let you kick me in the nuts. Served with a peppered corn coulis (I think is the word) and sriracha, the ceviche itself is a window into another, better world.

Then I had the duck confit, which was perfect and served with the most perfect preparation of root vegetables I ever expect to encounter. There was a soft, creamy oniony component to this dish as well that successfully affected a major third theme which managed to complement the other two perfectly.

I have never had so complex and and perfectly balanced a single dish. Which is to say for me, the pan seared sea scallops with sweet potato puree and truffle oil at Campiello have been unseated after years as the center of what is right and good. The gastronomical efficacy of this dish was total.

My lovely date (wife) had the Kobe pot roast in a gentle and interesting homemade barbecue sauce with a side of something she loved, a mixture of vegetables served on the side. It was reminiscent of succotash, or maybe I just wanted to say succotash. You never know. Either way, she's still a little upset she didn't hold Justin down and make him confess the recipe like the Minneapolis inquisition.

After eating here, the thought of never having had this dinner would rob even the fullest heart of all joy. It is places like this that affirm what is right in the international character of the cuisine this city has to offer, and I suggest everyone who can should avail him and herself of this rare opportunity for a dinner made by my someone who knows how to cook like Ozzy knows how to rock.

why didn't anyone tell me

It's the bible that's got it straight: evolution is a lie!

Here's a preacher-man who cares about the facts being represented, whatever they may turn out to be. He discusses the grand canyon as proof of the great flood. And if you can't buy his reasoning, you deserve to burn in hell. It really just makes sense, doesn't it?

what a coincidence

Of the top 15 states for divorce rates in 2005, all 15 voted for Bush in 2004. All fifteen.

Of the 12 lowest states for divorce rates, 10 voted for Kerry.

Massachusetts, where gay marriage is allowed (and where, according to Republicans, civilization would fall apart), has the lowest divorce rate in the country.

Hmm.

how to make people unhappy

Tell them the truth.

For example, purity is not a human vagina, ask a microbiologist.

And just to be on the safe side, don't even talk to pregnant women.

I work with a pregnant woman who told me she'd just her fetus sexed and it's going to be a boy. Here's what you don't say to a woman that tells you that.

me: Ok, cool. So now you just have to come up with a name for it, right? But you might want to do yourself and the baby a favor and not name it something that rhymes with -aden, like Braden or Kayden or Jayden or Quayden, because that's wildly popular these days and you don't want him to sit in a class with like seven other -adens, and you also don't want to give too much away about yourself.

her: What do you mean? [her face falling slightly]

me: Well, it's just a really trendy name right now. Anyone who sees that kid's name for the rest of his life is going to know that his parents thought -aden names, just like every other person having a baby, was "like the kewlest!" I mean, when it's a name that rhymes with "Laquisha" everyone knows it's a black girl, right? Well, the -aden names are just as predictable. It's a white kid whose parents wanted something slightly exotic but still safe. So there you go.

her: ...

me: I'm not making you feel any better, am I?

her: No.

me: Ok, see you later.

I repeat, do not do that. Instead lie like hell no matter what. "Sphlayden, awesome! you know, my grandfather was also almost named Sphlayden. God how I wish he HAD been! OUGH!" Then strangle an imaginary person who didn't name your grandfather that and cry, because it makes pregnant woman feel better than what I did, and the expectation is that you under no circumstances are to ever say anythng that will make people feel bad, most of all a pregnant woman.

like to vomit?

The worst thing I hope to see this year:
a promotional trailer for "purity balls".

A thing entitled purity is guaranteed to be pretty fucked up, because purity is a made up thing that's usually being done by stupid people for bad reasons. Not always. Purity as in "the sterility of vancomycin" saves lives.

But, purity as in "teenage girls whose daddies hope they never have sex with dirty boys" gives everybody the creeping heebie jeebies, and supplies the San Fernando valley with a steady stream of psychotic, repressed porno chicks who are willing to do anything to cast off the veil of sexual authority, and do. Oh boy, do they.

I can't believe I'm making you watch this. Sorry guys.

2 things

Again morning finds me in the thrall of the cycles, oh the glorious cycles. There's not that much worth finding today but that's what I do, so here you go anyway, just as if there was.

(By the way, MN rollergirls in Saturday. I have other plans because everything that happens in this city has to happen on the same night as everything else, but I'm trying to see what kind of moves I can make.)

Now that our electorate has finally woken from its stupor, we should ask ourselves why it took six years to recognize the incompetence and demagogy of this administration and the responsibility of the Republican leadership that blindly followed its lead.

The damage done is enormous, in Iraq, in the United States and around the world. Years have been squandered while the critical issues of our time have gone unattended.

How and why were we fooled?

We have a fascination with personalities instead of policy, a desire to be entertained rather than enlightened, and a need to have an enemy to define us and give our lives meaning.

Thankfully, our democracy is still functioning, though we will not see really meaningful progress until we can disconnect the electoral and legislative processes from the flow of corporate cash.

Let’s not forget that the Senate voted to give President Bush authority to start a war in Iraq. Our euphoria should be short-lived, and our vigilance should be redoubled.

- letter to the NYT

nsfw: a body painting calendar for 2007

real to me

It's Still Real To Me Dammit

If, as Jesus is written to have said, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get into heaven,

1. camels are little
2. that soft-headed crap is a lie
3. people in Naples, Florida want to go to hell really bad

That town is swimming in money, which is good because they can afford a watchmaker.

There are lots and lots of the speed-challenged; many times we were on the road behind retirees who were driving Benz S class convertibles like Miss Daisy with a full glass of iced tea. It's abuse, I tell you. If that car was a child someone would take it away for doing that.

My wife and I both got the jobs we wanted, so in the middle of January we'll be making our way to Naples, which is, according to Mapquest's driving directions, 1743.46 miles south of here. So many details, so much stuff to manage. At least half this shit has to go. We also have yet to put in our notice at work and where we live before we give away what we can't pack and skeedaddle.

We got this news yesterday afternoon and it's still very surreal. I hope that soon I'll wake up and unlike now it will be more natural than laborious to think that we're moving.

Today me and the redhead (not this one nsfw) are flying south for job interviews. We'll be back Wednesday. Feel free to post anything I might have missed in the meantime in the comments. Like if any more of Bush's friends decide to jump the fence, or you need your watch fixed, or you want to be in my band.

And please don't say anything mean to me, because comments from anonymous dickweeds really hurt my feelings. -wipes tear from eye just thinking about it-

ok, seriously

What. Is the deal. With Fox news.

Dick Cheney famously requires that his hotel rooms come with the TV pre-tuned to Fox news, and this republican senate campaigner in Tennessee publicizes that he watches it on his tour bus. What does this mean? It's code language for something, but what? I do not understand this facet of the fox news phenomenon, and it bothers me.

Fox news is the most slanted, dishonest channel it is possible to watch, and it's criminal that they're allowed to call themselves news at all, so that anyone would be proud of watching it is like being proud of watching larry the cable guy -- it makes no sense. Vote for me 'cause I hate liberocommunofascist-blame-america-first-flippity-floppity-soft on terror godless traitors, git 'r done! Why?!

Does it boil down to a tribal thing? Who's in the tribe? What do they believe that puts them there? Do you have to be "in" to understand? Are there really functioning, literate people that think watching a certain channel makes them good?

I am totally unable to imagine a mental framework in which this makes sense! And in the words of all my ex-girlfriends, "I'm not fuckin' stupid!"

boldface mine, because I'm indicating the value of the words:

If campaigns reflect their candidate, the final days bring the distinctions into sharp relief. Mr. Corker, 54, a white construction entrepreneur and former mayor of Chattanooga, projects ease and satisfaction. He slept seven hours the other night and said he felt just great, although his eyes were red. Aboard his customized “Corker Country” bus (with plush couches and the television tuned to Fox News), he hits several small towns and cities a day, keeping to his schedule with precision.

the story: Star Power to Blood Sport, Tennessee Senate Race Has It

Pastor Ted Haggard vs. the internet, a story in pictures

interesting

Pastor Ted Haggard is in trouble not because his own conscience bothered him, but because the conscience of a gay prostitute bothered him.

As much as I find the story of Ted's descent into ridicule a singular delight, this point surprises me quite a bit.

To have less conscience than a gay prostitute and to lead the biggest church in the United States...

a guy with a cart

Some days at work I sit in the IV room and make the drugs that the make the whole world sing. Other days I deliver drugs. I push a cart around. As a guy who pushes a cart around I'm part of a very large club. I can't speak for all of us, but a lot of us know that most people consider what we're doing ok only because no one has yet come up with an alternative to guys with carts.

It's an easy job with little responsibility. If somebody wants something, it's either on the cart or it isn't.
Step one of any problem solving process: Check the cart.
Step two: tell them to call somebody else.
And that's all there is to it.

I don't mind this job at all. It gives me a chance to think. What do guys with carts think about?

We think about other guys with carts. We nod to each other in the hallways.

We count our lucky stars.
1) Phil Collins finally stopped getting airtime permanently.
2) No one is going to tell me to push the cart faster.
3) I get to have almost anything I want for dinner.
4) I get to devote serious amounts of thought to how much I enjoy pie.

Is this not happiness?

Some of us cart pushers also make flyers for the places they push the carts around in. We don't expect to be suspected, either; pushing a cart around is the perfect alibi for being places, and the kind of person who pushes them isn't expected to be very bright, and certainly not one to rock the boat.

Here's one I made today:

I'm starting a band

The idea is this, the band's going to be called ROCK AND ROLL USA! (and it has to be in all caps like that so people have to shout it when they say it, how awesome is that) and we're going to record patriotic music of as many genres as possible to rally the patriotic spirit in the country. Our logo will be the American flag with the words ROCK AND ROLL USA! on it in a font made out of the American flag, which I think will boost the national pride of everyone. And how could that be bad. Song titles may include
freedom fries
your country sucks and mine rules
let the eagle soar

If you want to join, please write what instruments you can play (turntables, harmonica, etc.) and your name below and I'll contact you for a rehearsal.

I expect a lot of replies. One guy says he can play the skin flute but I think someone else put him on there as a joke. Oh well.

Other things to do while pushing a cart.
Do a quick spin if no one's watching.
Stop and wait till the muse is upon you again, then continue.
Rearrange all the objects till they look just right.

Read David Frum's jaw-dropping, hilarious argument for why pastor Ted may not be a hypocrite.

Then watch the good pastor Ted himself describe the importance of marriage and finding someone of the opposite sex.

It's almost as if the national review has lost its moral compass. Night is day! Up is down! And it's sad, because the right wing in this country may lose its entitlement to that silly play on words where they're actually "right" about anything. We're going to need to listen to many days of talk radio to settle this one.

apples

How do you like them?

It's news stuff:
Mark Ames predicts the US election outcome

Bush apparently isn't welcome in a lot of the country and doesn't need the bad publicity that would result from his visiting as he tours mulligan districts.

It's funny:
Why do all these homosexuals keep sucking my cock?

"You'll find yourself right on some things and wrong on some other things. But, please, in the process, don't be arrogant."

-Ted Haggard

glib mefi user:

Welcome to hell, Ted. This one's real.

More of spiritual quackery's terrestrial reward:
That dishonest weasel who ran the christian dinosaur museum has been convicted of tax fraud.

Slacktivist deserves a little credit for connecting some dots about Haggard way back in May of '05: gay sex demons!

It's a naked woman in a car:
not safe for work

It's a parting thought:
When Jesus returns as a gay, black, homeless man with AIDS, these fundamentalists will be the first to hammer in those nails.

it's late

have nice dreams, everyone

a little honor for a change

Finally a story of actual heroism from everyone's favorite meaningless blood puddle... if you'd rather blow your own head off than torture people, you might have been Alyssa Peterson.

optimism this

In case you didn't know this, we the humans are fucking up the oceans real bad, as in within my lifetime all that's gonna be left in them is a mess of seaweed as we systematically destroy reef ecosystems hunting for a thick profit margin on unagi.

BBC has the story

yuck

watch a man puree some food from mcdonald's

Pastor Ted's man-lover speaks

Does cock just taste awesome if you're conservative or what?

Gin and tacos handles the story as a personal friend of Bush's is living a double life of gay sex.

You'd think it'd be people like me who'd be gay, but no. Gin and tacos nails it. Only people who have something to hide can be so vigorously disconnected from reality.

Pastor Ted has resigned as the president of evangelical something or other in the aftermath, so boo hoo. This is me doing a little victory dance: \\//\\//\\//

rock and roll USA

a look inside

Print:
Friends, neighbors, and countrymen of the Left: I hate your lying guts
-Paul Burgess, former director of foreign-policy speechwriting at the White House from October 2003 to July 2005

All that Internet porn reduces sex crimes. Really.

a memorial

These assholes at flickr are pissing me off.

I have a collection of photos I've dredged from my many hours spent seeing things on the internet, and I put them on flickr, because flickr is easy to use. Sometimes simps rage on me for doing this, and I'm sick of their shit. Just because they pay to use the service doesn't make them real photographers any more than testosterone injections make girls into boys, so they take out their animosities on people who have a different concept of the utility of the service than they do.

I've thrown down the gauntlet this morning because I care more about the ability to do something than covering my ass; if someone decides my flickr collection violates some EULA and deletes my account it beats me having to put up with threats from idiots. Nothing is worth that, not a photo collection, nothing. I've already been through far too much over this flickr nonsense.

In case my account winds up gone as a result I memorialize how it went down at this page (a link obviously that may quit functioning at any time).

*Shakti* Pro User says:

gorgeous. love the angle...great tones.
i just looked at your photos and i am guessing this image wasn't taken by you. not sure if you are aware of it but posting photos you don't own is copyright infringement and can get you deleted from flickr.
please let me know if you took this or not. if you didn't, you should remove it.

I reply.

Let you know. I like how your priority is how you feel about things. I'll let you know something all right. What ought to be removed is your attitude.

No, dummy, I didn't take this picture, just like I didn't take most of the other ones in my account. Obviously it's a collection of photos I found on the internet. That's what photography is for, so that people can see what I see.

Shit for brains.

If you're gonna piss and moan and tattletale so that people can't do that, if the alternative to getting shit from stupid people like yourself is not to have a flickr account, then I don't want one, so you'd better get used to a world where people like you become poorer for your arrogance. You want to deprive the rest of the world because something you saw and liked turned out not to be photographed by the person whose flickr page it is, fuck you. Fuck you for being so self-centered and closed-minded. I don't have to justify my modest little photo collection to some asshole with no concept of value.

So if your choice is to apologize to me or screech to some sysadmin, now you know how I feel about it.

And for the record, people like you make me sick.

If Poor Richard's famous adage is to be believed, I'm on track to be a healthy wealthy and wise man, which is good because that makes at least one reason waking up at four forty five isn't totally absurd.

What does someone do when they wake up this early? I will now write it down for you so that you can just read about it instead of doing it yourself.

First you toss and turn, not wanting to believe that's all the sleep you're getting. Then check the clock, boggle, and try to will yourself to sleep again, fail, get up, and hit the switch on the coffee maker. Open the fridge and gaze blankly into it thanks to the marvel that is the light that turns itself on automatically.

Check your torrents. The modem didn't reset during the night, so good for that.

Check your email. Two of my neighbors moved away yesterday but they left a couple of cars in a lot which I more or less inherited their responsibility for administrating, so I have to read their bending-over-backward attempt to get me not to have them towed. I try to imagine what would happen if I treated them the way they would treat me, and fail due to insufficient frame of reference, so I decide to think about it. Their ingenious plan involves me parking on the street till Saturday to give them time to get their cars out of there. Here's why that option sucks: it's called past experience.

The last time I was in charge of a parking space I had a friend in it temporarily. My brother moved to town for a while (the spot was for him) and my friend's car was in the parking spot. I told him to move it but he whined and moaned so much that I had to shake my head and just leave it for the next day. Naturally it snowed a foot that night and since my brother was parked on the street, some non-snow-driving shithead slid into and took out the better part of the back of his car. And it was all because we didn't all just do what I said we should do. Now let's take a look at some of the other harm that's come to cars I've parked in the street.

Slashed tires: 2
Windows smashed with baseball bats: 1
Bumps, dings: countless

I absolutely hate when the only option people leave you with is screwing yourself over.

These people had better live their dream of owning a junkyard somewhere else by the time they say they will. I'll make the sacrifice and park in the street of course; I'm going to give them the time they need and put my car in harm's way even though I pay not to. My money will go toward keeping their cars, which don't even work, away from the tire slashers, drunk drivers, and Louisville-slugging Visigoths. Because I'm a nice guy, and that's what nice guys do.

So that's the play-by-play of my morning so far. Torrents still doing fine. I still haven't watched V for Vendetta. Why do I download files just to have them sit there?

More emails to check. Edit four essays for my brother (different one) who's applying to medical school. Not too much work. If I could just get him to stop putting accountability and responsibility so close together I'd have very little to suggest.

Now it's normal wake-up time, so I'll knock off the gratuitous exhibitionism. Have a great day.

Double Flee A

Thursday

Wednesday

catch phrases

a jedi needs not this blog

Tuesday

Monday

Bush's presidential library

Sunday

love/hate

Saturday

Friday

who needs a scandal

Thursday

happy turkey day

Wednesday

drool

Tuesday

Monday

Sunday

3 good things

other religions worship demonic powers

Saturday

notes from our amazing world

Friday

MORAL or IMMORAL!?

Thursday

game

Wednesday

2 funny things

Tuesday

close call!

holy laughter

Monday

Sunday

typical

plug

Friday

why didn't anyone tell me

what a coincidence

how to make people unhappy

like to vomit?

Thursday

2 things

Wednesday

real to me

Sunday

ok, seriously

Saturday

Pastor Ted Haggard vs. the internet, a story in pictures

interesting

a guy with a cart

Friday

apples

Thursday

it's late

a little honor for a change

optimism this

yuck

Pastor Ted's man-lover speaks

rock and roll USA

Wednesday

a look inside

a memorial

retina barbecue

eustachian justice league

many moons

toys